Don’t let the door hit you in the ass.
Now let’s raise a toast to welcome 2017, which promises to be so much better. Well, it could be, anyway. We hope so, at least. What we’re saying is: hold on.
To that end, we put together a list of 39 simple New Year’s resolutions to help make the next 12 months just a little brighter than the ones that came before. They’re tiny ways to care for your health, your sanity and the world around you.
And if all else fails, a decent excuse to eat more cheese.
1. Finally use that gym membership.
2. Or just cancel that unused gym membership. That’ll make you feel better, too.
3. Engage the help of a trainer. Instagram will help.
4. Maybe just plank more.
5. If you’ve never taken a yoga class, go ahead, take one.
6. If you have taken a yoga class, don’t talk about it so much to your non-yoga friends.
7. Move to a red state. Establish residency. Vote there.
8. Become an armchair activist.
9. Get your Canadian real estate license.
10. Better yet, establish residency in Tulum. Talk incessantly about how cool Austin is.
11. Try new foods. Like fermented shark for once. And only once.
12. Throw out all your old towels and get a matching towel set like an adult.
13. Read everything an author you’ve always meant to read has ever written.
14. Learn to properly debone a fish.
15. Mercilessly employ the “stop seeing posts but stay friends” feature on Facebook.
16. Don’t read the comments.
17. Appreciate aging rock icons. Buy Bruce Springsteen’s bio or get a Little Richard album just for the hell of it.
18. Write a fan letter to your favorite surrogate parent from television before it’s too late. Here’s a start: Dear Charlotte Rae... c/o Hartig-Hilepo Agency, Ltd, 2728 Thomson Ave, Long Island City, NY 11101.
19. Go to your local zoo, befriend a mountain gorilla, look deep into his eyes.
20. Donate to a food bank. It’s easy.
21. Pick a recipe. Master it. Make it your signature dish. Sit back and let the legend of your exquisite quiche lorraine grow.
22. Or just bake something extravagant. Overnight it to your mom.
23. Tip whoever cleans your hotel room.
24. Next time you get an invitation to someone’s party, don’t not bring a donkey piñata.
25. Make your own hot sauce. Give it away to people you like who you assume have an appreciation for hot sauce.
26. Leave your phone at home before going out once. See if you live.
27. Sleep in a tree. Vacation with a monkey. Bribe a desk clerk.
28. Strike the word “artisanal” from your vocabulary.
29. Eat more cheese.
30. Become a scotch drinker.
31. Do your happy dance.
32. If you don’t have a happy dance, choreograph one.
33. Write a pilot for Amazon about Kanye’s preschool years.
34. Cool it with the bingeing. There’s something to be said for anticipation. And for... doing other stuff.
35. But do get around to watching The Wire. God, everyone says it’s so good.
36. Learn to take a decent photograph. These will help you get inspired.
37. Forgive someone.
38. Boop more noses.
39. Remember that life is short. And four years is even shorter.