Around this time every year, the thoughts begin creeping in: ugh, should I? Should I actually make a New Year's resolution this time? Should I actually keep a New Year's resolution this time?
The answer, for the purposes of this exercise, at least, is no. 2018 was hard enough, what with the state of our ailing planet and the President of the United States. Unless your resolution is to check Twitter less, or to devise a magical solution to the global refugee crisis, we don't want to hear it. Self-improvement relies on a modicum of self-care, after all. So maybe now's not the time to, like, go completely vegan or drive yourself half-insane at CrossFit.
Of course, if you're reading this and going, "Nah, I think I'll stick to making myself a better, healthier human in 2018, as opposed to whatever degenerate you seem to want me to be" we totally understand. And we applaud you.
But if you're reading this and going, "You know what? You're right. I'm hard enough on myself as it is," well, the rest of this is for you.
Behold: your anti-resolutions. Consider them...the diametric opposite of your resolution resolutions.
Resolution: Consume less alcohol.
Anti-Resolution: Acquire a personal martini fountain for your home bar. Maybe don't call it your "personal martini fountain."
Resolution: Get out of the house more.
Anti-Resolution: Stay home with your Oculus Go and enjoy virtual reality TV shows, sports and concerts, via the world's first virtual reality music platform.
Resolution: Drink more water.
Anti-Resolution: Drink more vodka made with New York tap water. Hey, it's kind of the same thing...
Resolution: Eat less meat.
Anti-Resolution: Get gratis bacon for two months, when you subscribe to ButcherBox, a service that sends curated boxes of high-quality cuts—grass-fed beef, free-range chicken, heritage pork and the like—straight to your door.
Resolution: Maintain a low-fat diet.
Anti-Resolution: Learn how to make all manner of fat-washed whiskey libations.
Resolution: React less to Trump's incendiary tweets.
Anti-Resolution: Download a Chrome plugin that renders Trump's tweets in the handwriting of an eight-year-old.
Resolution: Live in the moment.
Anti-Resolution: Purchase a pair of IQbuds, which are more or less AirPods uniquely calibrated to your ears; wear them until a social situation demands you take them off.
Resolution: Work out more.
Anti-Resolution: Take a beer yoga class. Or, if you're in New York, join the Beer Fit Club. It's only a contradiction in terms if you let it be a contradiction in terms.
Resolution: Have less casual sex.
Anti-Resolution: Keep a veritable hookup journal.
Resolution: Stop buying things you don't need.
Anti-Resolution: Buy literally anything in this gift guide.