The Winter Olympics commence this week and once again we will determine which country is the best at not falling on cold, slippery surfaces.
There will be bobsledding, figure skating, curling and racing down large mountains. But one sport we will not be witnessing is ski ballet.
Never heard of it? That’s because there’s a huge conspiracy to cover it up and pretend it was never part of the Olympics.
Just kidding. But for two glorious Olympic games, ski ballet was a thing you could get a medal for, and those two years were nothing short of perfect. Watch for yourself.
Surely you’re wondering, how did this sport not become as ingrained in our bones as, say, football? It’s unclear. But low viewership of the event and a general lack of competitors caused it to get nixed after appearances as a demonstration sport in the 1988 and 1992 Olympics. Also, it was a subjective sport to judge.
That last reason I understand because each performance leaves me so breathless, I wouldn't know how not to give them all 10s. We've really put way too much pressure on figure skating to bring us flair and pizzazz in these winter sports. Let's spread out the flamboyancy, if you ask me. And if that doesn't mean bringing back ski ballet, then at least have the snowboarders wear those gold taffeta sleeves. I beg you.
If you're attending the Olympics, might I ask that you hold up a little sign at any of the events kindly asking for the return of this sport. It might just be what brings us world peace. You never know.
A version of this story originally ran on February 5, 2018.