Giant Jeff Goldblum Statue Erected in London, Chaos to Ensue

It Would Appear We've Reached Peak Jeff Goldblum Idolatry

By Sam Eichner ·
John Phillips/Getty Images

A Jeff Goldblum sartorial magnet set. A Jeff Goldblum thirst-tweet appreciation. A Jeff Goldblum renaissance-inspired triptych. And now...a Jeff Goldblum 25-foot shirtless statue.

Indeed, the good people of London have seen it fit to erect a giant statue of the one-man meme machine, the "Mayor of Hollywood" himself in their humble metropolis. Look at him, staring at you sensually, his eyes piercing yours no matter where you look, like a three-dimensional version of the Mona Lisa, if the Mona Lisa dressed better and starred in The Big Chill. See how his arms hang ever so casually, although kind of also robotically, because this is a statue. Hell, they even got the man's chest hair right. Are you weirdly hot and bothered by this massive human effigy yet?

John Phillips/Getty Images

Over the past few years, the stylish and endlessly affable 65-year-old character actor has whipped entire corners of the internet into a kind of tizzy—and we don't use the word "tizzy" lightly. As many white men of a certain age in Hollywood continue to get in their own way, Goldblum has emerged in 2018 younger-looking and better than ever, a sort of platonic (or, well, not necessarily platonic) ideal of the modern man. His general approval rating is damn-near 100%. And with each passing month, there seems to appear a new meme, a new ode, a new picture of Goldblum looking enviably rakish on the streets of New York, thrown to the internet mob and teared to virtual threads. It's simply not fair Jeff Goldblum is Jeff Goldblum and I'm not Jeff Goldblum.

According to EW, the statue is part of a publicity stunt by Now TV, put on to celebrate the 25th anniversary of Jurrasic Park; in case you didn't already know, the statue is designed to emulate the actor's oft-memed pose in the original film. It will remain on the banks of the River Thames near the London Bridge through the 26th, at which point those responsible with taking it down will have to ward off a phalanx of dedicated English Goldblum crazies, attempting to climb up his arm and live upon his shoulders for the rest of time. 

Until then, take a long look at Goldblum, and then take a long hard look at yourself, and at the culture: does this constitute idol worship? Have we taken our love of Jeff Goldlbum to far? Is the beloved actor heading for some kind of backlash?

Let us pray not!

Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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