It's almost Valentine's Day! Which means you're probably either about to drop far too much cash on a mediocre prix-fix dinner for two or planning to stay at home and drown your sorrows with booze and chocolate while cursing your ex, the concept of love in general, or both. If you're in the latter camp, you might be glad to know you can take the whole thing a step further (literally) and get your evil ex's face screen printed on a pair of shoe insoles, courtesy of British design agency Bompas & Parr, the same people who brought a boob bouncy castle to New York's Museum of Sex in 2015.
"For Valentine’s Day 2018 Bompas & Parr presents the ultimate opportunity to get your own back on your ex, unrequited loves and the cruellest of heartbreakers and symbolically walk all over them," reads a statement on the agency's website. "Inspired by artefacts on display in the Petrie Museum of Egyptian Archaeology, the anti-Valentine’s Day insoles are designed as a cathartic and cleansing mechanic to help cultivate emotional closure following the end of tumultuous relationships."
Apparently, the Petrie Museum's collection contains a pair of sandals bearing images of "a pink naked bearded enemy," which, coincidentally, does sound a lot like my ex. According to ancient Egyptian culture, placing an image of a bad person on your shoes is a way of metaphorically subjugating them, a coping mechanism which sounds as healthy a way as any to deal with a made-up Hallmark holiday that nevertheless inspires very real feelings of depression and angst in singletons.
"In addition to the symbolism, by encouraging exercise the insoles will also indirectly release ‘feel-good’ endorphins, dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin, which are proven to lower stress and a recommended activity at the end of relationships," says Bompas & Parr.
If you'd like a pair of insoles of your own, email a high-res picture of your ex's face, plus a detailed description of what they did to you to along with your shoe size and contact info to firstname.lastname@example.org by February 14th. Because there's a lot of heartbreak in the world, Bompas & Parr will apparently only be able to offer insoles to those with the most heart-wrenchingly sad stories, so feel free to lay it on thick. If you're selected to receive a pair, you'll be charged £10 (about $14). A small price for a timely feeling of dominion over one who has wronged you—or just, you know, someone who had an annoying habit of always squeezing the toothpaste tube from the middle.