The Anti-Valentine's Day Gift Guide

Indulgent Things to Give to Yourself, Because You Deserve It

By Sam Eichner ·
Photo: Getty Images

Look, we don’t hate Valentine’s Day. We love love. But sometimes we hate love, too. Like when we don’t have it in our lives, and the whole world feels intent on showing us how much other people do, and how great and sexy and full of heart-shaped chocolate it is.

So that’s why we’ve created the Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift Guide. It’s a gift guide for the person who’s sitting Valentine’s Day out this year, and owning it. For the person whose idea of a big spoon is one with a giant scoop of peanut butter on it. For the person who looks at those mawkish Hallmark cards and Lifetime showings of The Notebook, shakes his or her head and is all, “Nah, I’m good.”

In other words, it’s for the person who may or may not be you this Valentine’s Day.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: A box of chocolates.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: A bag of chocolate chip weed cookies.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: A nice bottle of wine.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: A really nice bottle of Lock, Stock & Barrel 18-Year Straight Rye Whiskey, which is one of the oldest straight ryes available today.  

The Valentine’s Day Gift: Lingerie.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: This baller $630 cotton-terry robe.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: Soothing aromatherapy candles.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: A motherfucking flamethrower.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: Cologne or perfume.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: A box of rare Dominican cigars.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: Two tickets to Fifty Shades Freed.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: One ticket to stream one of these fucked-up sex movies from the comfort of your own home.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: A framed picture of you and yours.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day Gift: A picture of your ex on the insole of your shoe, so you can literally walk all over him or her.

The Valentine’s Day Gift: A bouquet of flowers.
The Anti-Valentine’s Day: A legit money tree.

Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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