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Where Does Steve Bannon Go From Here?

The Alt-Right Pioneer and His Fellow Ex-Trumpers Have Options

By Geoff Rynex ·
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It’s all over the internet that Steve Bannon has been cast out of the White House today, presumably by skilled government exorcists who will never be the same. He’s just the latest casualty in a war on personnel that’s been raging basically since Trump’s inauguration. None of the castoffs seem to have settled into permanent new positions yet, so let’s speculate as to what the inhabitants of Trump’s island of broken toys has in store for them…

Steve Bannon
Steve Bannon. Christ. The obvious choice is to slither back to Breitbart, which we can safely assume will be waging a fake news (or will it be real news? or fake real news?) war on Trump. But let’s say that doesn’t work out. He’s not going to be a spokesman for any skincare products any time soon. He won’t be doing anything around children. There’s a credible rumor afloat one of Bannon’s houses was found to contain a windowless room with shackles on the wall. Best case scenario, he’s into S&M. Professional submissive Steve Bannon? Yes, professional submissive Steve Bannon. Remember though that he was a screenwriter in another life, so we could be seeing Bannon-penned Lifetime movies about lecherous businessmen with higher aspirations and the one-dimensional women who somehow end up with them very soon. 

Anthony Scarammuci
He’s already been offered porn, will almost certainly be offered TV, will probably end up back in finance, but will, if there’s a god, become part of a scripted madcap detective series (one of Apple’s first original programming projects), titled Turner and Mooch. The porn thing would be priceless too.

Michael Flynn
Flynn will retire from public life to a quiet career as a license plate-maker.

Sean Spicer
Spicer is the shiniest example imaginable of the idea that people in politics become instantly more likable once they leave politics. Now that our Spicy Dancing With the Stars hopes have been dashed, we see Sean reinventing himself as an elightened stay-at-home dad so his wife Rebecca can return to television production. 

Reince Priebus
After making the rounds on the talking head circuit, and maybe hosting a Fox News roundtable show hopefully called “Priebs and Thank You,” Reince will blow all our minds when he becomes chief of staff again…

To President Paul Ryan…

…In a year.

Geoff Rynex is the only person named Geoff Rynex in the history of mankind. He would rather have the best burger than the best steak, likes hearing bartender stories and spends too much money on clothes.

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