Today, we take a look into the deep follows of one Hailey Baldwin, daughter to Stephen, niece to Alec, number one human on Maxim's 2017 Hot 100, and *licks finger and puts it to the wind* the very favorite supermodel of this moment in time. Let's see what Freud, Jung and Rogers have to say about the lass. Just kidding, let's dive headlong down the rabbit hole and bullshit this thing...
Followers: 10.5 million
Credo: "Be authentic, Give grace"
The Bell Curve
The mean Hailey Baldwin followee is a 23-year-old androgynous celebrity who both models and photographs models while keeping an @fuckjerry brand sense of humor and a side hustle as a foodie blogger. Which is to say this person doesn't exist, but is in fact a group of young models of all genders, a legion of fashion photographers, makeup artists and stylists, and a lot of food blog accounts. And @fuckjerry. Fuck Jerry, indeed.
@newsbaldwin and several of her other fan accounts
Not every Insta-celebrity does this. It indicates a high degree of gratitude and loyalty to her many fans. This gratitude may or may not be put into action by her publicist’s intern. Since the accounts she follows represents a small fraction of the fan accounts that exist, it’s also possible she has a genuine affiliation with them.
Either this is the product of her aforementioned loyalty going to unhealthy places, or she needs to fire the community management arm of her social media team. How is this even still an account?
Fyre Festival set out to provide a once-in-a-lifetime musical experience on the islands of Exuma. Due to circumstances beyond our control, we must postpone this experience. We are working tirelessly to ensure each guest leaves the island safely and ask for everyone’s patience and cooperation as we continue to provide ongoing updates via email and our official social media channels as they become available, including refund information.
Two fake Candice Swanepoel pages, but not the real one, @angelcandices.
We'd say this demonstrates a short attention span or lack of attention to detail, but fake pages and well disguised fan pages gather so many followers themselves, we're chalking it up to a widespread malady within Baldwin's particular sliver of the social media generation. And, ahem, we may have followed a fake model a time or two ourselves.
Justin’s father. A walking, tragically fertile, pink-and-brown Von Dutch hat who, it appears, has some sort of crucifixion fetish. It was rumored that Hailey and Justin dated for a time, another in a long line of reasons to loathe the aggressively monolingual pop megastar. She’s no longer among Instagram’s Beliebers, so her continued following of the fountainhead indicates either that she’s holding on to a sliver of the alleged relationship, or using the account as a crystal ball warning her against any further contact with the Way-Northern Gringo.
@michelleobama and @michelleobama44
The only political figure in the bunch, although First Lady Obama casts quite a long cultural shadow as well. Unless Hailey’s a massive troll—which we see no evidence of—she’s taken her political cues from her uncle rather than her father. And note that she follows both the archived FLOTUS account and Michelle’s current personal account. Could this be an indicator of some latent father-daughter hostilities, or is it simply a shared love of healthy eating?
A New Jersey non-profit entirely dedicated to the rescue of special needs baby goats. In absolute sincerity, you have no idea how badly you want to help baby goats until you look at this Instagram. The quirk of this inclusion is as strong a psychological indicator as there is that Ms. Baldwin would be a charming and entertaining dinner companion.
Uh, what were we doing? Oh, right. Hailey Baldwin is an obscenely wealthy and attractive 20 year old who jetsets around the world with other such people and has a soft spot for baby goats in need. We're flipping through our textbooks for that archetype, and...we'll get back to you.