12 Very Ridiculous Things You Can Buy With Your Tax Refund

Finally, Get That Pen Made From Dinosaur Bones You’ve Had Your Eye On

By Sam Eichner ·
Every year, you perform your duty as a citizen of the United States by paying your taxes to Uncle Sam so he can use it for the public good.

But if you sent in a little too much for the public to handle... you’ll soon get that fat, juicy refund. Then it’s time to use it for your personal good... or at least your personal want.

So you may find yourself feeling the need for something wildly impractical. Like Patrick Swayze memorabilia. Or a pen made from dinosaur bones. Or a tiny, tiny model of yourself.

And here’s a list of just such things, arranged from sort of expensive to inordinately expensive.

Enjoy responsibly?

Toothpicks infused with single malt scotch are 436% better than toothpicks not infused with single malt scotch. That’s a fact we made up. Single Malt Nº16, $36

We found you a bottle of limited-edition maple syrup, aged in retired Pappy Van Winkle bourbon barrels, because there’s simply no shame in spending your tax refund on better pancakes. Pappy Barrel-Aged Maple Syrup, $38

Turns out, we now have the technology to make 3D-printed figurines of ourselves. Which is totally fucking weird. But also, like, kind of cool. Shapify, $79

Here’s a limited-edition collection of contemporary art—from Ryan McGinley, Barbara Kruger, Damien Hirst and more—each piece of which is printed on a beach towel. They’re both totally necessary and totally unnecessary. Meta? Artspace Beach Towels, $75-$95

The fine people at Supreme printed their logo on red bricks. Then you bought one and put it on your coffee table. Or didn’t. Probably the latter. Supreme Brick, prices vary

This lockback knife’s handle contains a section of a tooth from an actual woolly mammoth, which lived and died about 15,000 years ago. Make sure to casually tell your friends as you happen to be slicing an apple for some reason. 3" Lockback Knife, $110

Look, it’s a collection of normal shit—plates, pillows, plants—that just so happens to have the power to levitate. You know you shouldn’t spend good money on this. And yet... Levitating X Collection, $150 and up

For when you need a breather at your next tailgate, there’s the Tailgaters’ Hammock. Don’t worry. It only looks dumb. The Tailgaters’ Hammock, $350

Always the forward thinker, renowned designer Rick Owens made you a nearly $500 plain white T-shirt, that’s more or less a plain white T-shirt. Who would have ever thought of that? Rick Owens DRKSHDW Elongated T-Shirt, $490

“Cool longbow, bro.” —Anyone who sees your longbow. The American Longbow, $798

To think: one day, you’re a dinosaur, stalking your prey, and then 100 million years later, your fossil is part of an elegant rollerball pen someone got because they hired a CPA who got them one hell of a refund this year and can write off the pen as “business supplies” next year. Dinosaurs never see that coming. Cabernet Titan, $1,800

Step 1: win the leather jacket Patrick Swayze wore as Johnny Castle in Dirty Dancing from his estate’s auction. Step 2: we simply cannot imagine what Step 2 is. Patrick Swayze Dirty Dancing Leather Jacket, $4,000-$6,000
Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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