Gear

The UrbanDaddy Chicago Holiday Gift Guide

Gifts So Good, You’ll Wish They Weren’t Gifts

By Sam Eichner
You know Santa Claus?

Jolly old potbellied guy?

Has a preternatural command of flying reindeer and a hegemonic relationship to elves?

Well, hate to break it to you, but... he’s not real.

Thankfully, though, this is: the UrbanDaddy Chicago Holiday Gift Guide.

And with gifts ranging from a personalized songwriting service to a fancy box that infuses your drinks with smoke, it’s got something for everyone on your list.

The fun starts... now.

Any pair of shoes would be happy to have this undeniably handsome oxhorn shoe brush. To be clear, though, shoes don’t experience emotions. $65, Abbeyhorn Shoe Brush

Here’s how this new personalized songwriting service works: 1) You tell them what you want your song to be about and who it’s for. 2) A songwriter writes, records, toils, etc. 3) In less than a week, they send you a shareable webpage where people can listen to the song. 4) You and yours live happily ever after. $200, Songfinch

Charles Joly used to tend bar at the Aviary. Now, he’s helping design sleek devices like this one, which allows users to infuse cocktails with hickory smoke. For your one friend who wants to be tending bar at the Aviary. $200, Crafthouse by Fortessa Cocktail Smoking Box

A wise person who is definitely not just us once said, “Great hair starts with a great comb.” Hence, this 1920s sterling engraved comb from your stylish friends at Rider. $75, Vintage Silver and Tortoise Comb

For the Cubs fan who has everything: a dreamy woodblock print of Wrigley Field at night. For the Cubs fan who has nothing: still a dreamy woodblock print of Wrigley Field at night. $80-$180, Wrigley Field Woodblock Print

Lillie’s Q: Smoky, spicy, Alabama-y. Our six-pack of BBQ sauces has it all. You: I know a grillmaster who’d love this. Grillmaster: Thanks. $60, Six Sauce Gift Box

Your favorite cyclist would have to be crazy to ride in the middle of a Chicago winter. Which is why, for their health and well-being, this natty leather helmet is purely decorative. $375, Bicycle Helmet

Chicago’s Empty Bottle is one of the best rock clubs in America. You should probably give this book—featuring anecdotes and interviews by the likes of the Flaming Lips and Interpol—to someone who knows that firsthand. $35, The Empty Bottle Chicago: 21+ Years of Music/Friendly/Dancing

Someone in your life really deserves a two-night retreat at a resort in Kohler, involving a custom massage, horse-drawn carriage rides, decadent chocolate things and dinner inside a magnificent solarium. That someone is probably definitely your mother. $364-$525, Retreat to Kohler Package

This vintage gold-plated brass mobile necklace says everything there is to say, and more. It’s really quite talkative. $92, Mobile Necklace

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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