Gear

The Rejection List

The Things We Left Behind in 2014

Warning: What you’re about to read involves toxic levels of highly stupid sh*t. If you are sensitive in any way to reading about insipid consumer goods, maybe go pet a kitten or something. This is not for you. Otherwise, please enjoy:

The Sincerity Machine

The Sincerity Machine

Comic Sans. Perhaps the most maligned of the whimsical font faces. Unfair? Maybe. But to find out, someone reversed-engineered an old typewriter with it to “provoke thoughts about such media concerns.” We can’t tell if they were serious or not. Because, again, Comic Sans.

Scroguard

Scroguard

Look, we know we’re living in dangerous times. But has it really come to this? A latex thing—essentially a pelvic condom—that covers the areas of your body immediately surrounding that other area. The good: you’re totally protected against disease. The bad: it’s because no one will touch you.

Burnt Impressions

Burnt Impressions

We live in an age of minor miracles and an age of major narcissism. Therefore: a toaster that transports your selfies out of the realm of Instagram and into the realm of high-carb foodstuffs. It’s a selfie toaster, is what we’re getting at here.

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Crazy Cat Lady Action Figure

Fear her. Pity her. But whatever you do: don’t underestimate the fun of playing with a Crazy Cat Lady action figure. Let the little ones’ imaginations go feral with this unapologetically bathrobe-clad kitten wrangler and her herd of six scraggly felines. Upsetting smell sold separately.

Bigan Beauty Face Expander

Bigan Beauty Face Expander

Some go to extremes to remain youthful. Hence, this terrifying Japanese contraption that straps around the user’s face, thereby strengthening facial muscles and frightening other humans to death.

Elsewhere on the Daddy

More Gear in Chicago