Inside the Struggle to Situate a New Oscar in One’s Home

Welcome to Oscar Placement 101

By Hadley Tomicki ·
Somewhere in the foothills of Los Angeles, one actor stands alone, facing his heaviest challenge to date: where to place his new Oscar. We zoom in on him pacing the white marble floors of a Mediterranean-style villa, his aggravated thoughts laid bare for all (well, for you) to hear.

“Oh, man, rough morning. Too much champagne, only one of Wolfgang’s little tuna things and now I’m really struggling trying to figure out where to place this Oscar. Why isn’t Hanks taking my calls?

“It’s so beautiful. So bright, so gold, so... precious. So affirming of the superiority of my talent and genetics. But I must project humility. Humble is hot these days.

“This is really making my head spin. Okay, okay, let me just hold the statue high to the heavens in a gladiator pose one last time, then I’ll figure out where to put this thing.

“What a rush. Now let’s see... All right, I’ll just try a few options.

“How about here, right on the mantel over the remote-controlled fireplace? That’s pretty classic placement, right?

“No. Come on, that’s way too obvious. And here you are, famous for bold career choices. You’ll have to do better.

“Okay. I could also see it on this onyx side table, right next to the framed photo of 11-year-old me on the Gimme a Break set back when I was Joey Lawrence’s stand-in. A little more to the left and...

“Ooh, no. Bad memories all around. What a diva.

“All right, into the selfie booth we go. Then everyone could have fun with it. Although, it’s technically my Oscar, not really theirs.

“Well, there is this special Oscar-bearing cabinet I commissioned Kelly Wearstler to create so the sun beams directly onto it through my skylight from precisely 2:15 to 4:45 in the afternoon. But I don’t know. Was that presumptuous?

“Hey, how’s this? I could just wear it around my neck? Well, that only works when I’m home alone.

“I’ve got it. Over here. I’ll place it on a pedestal next to my giant custom Jeff Koons Slinky. Or... not. Kind of just draws attention to the fact that Larry Gagosian made me buy that stupid thing.

“So... hmm. Maybe it looks better to go intellectual. I could probably fit it in next to the leather-bound volumes in my library, right through this door. Wait, no. I’ve never even been in this room.

“Looking, looking... okay. Yes. It’d probably be a much more authentic gesture to place it next to this cache of healing crystals in my personal yoga studio. Or is that bad karma? I don’t know. Both my guru and my agent say I should really try and be above materialism this year.

“Remember, project humble. Humble, humble, humble. Think humble...

“I’ll place it right into the kale crisper, so every time a guest reaches for some incredibly chewy greens, they’ll—no, too Tim Hutton–y.

“It’d be much better in the bathroom. That’ll show everyone that I don’t really believe in all this awarding-art stuff, just like Kate Winslet, Emma Thompson and Susan Sarandon did. Everyone takes them seriously. Let’s try it. Ew, no. Way too much gold on gold on gold.

“All right. Maybe I just drop it here like I just casually set it down and then forgot about it.

“That doesn’t look right. A little to the left, like sometimes I accidentally stub my toe while forgetting it’s there? No, another inch to the left. Or maybe over on its side...

“Shit. This isn’t working. I feel like I can’t breathe. I need to step outside. The topiary menagerie and sturgeon pond always relax me.

“Oh, I know. This thing will look perfect in the pool house. And I know just the place.

“Here, right next to the controls for the waterfall. No, bad idea. Then it just risks being employed as an emergency flotation device next time Hasselhoff slips into the water trying to ride my Poseidon fountain. Again.

“I’m starting to wish I never won this blasted thing. Ha. That was me, acting. Remember what you did with your subtle head dip there, you can use that.

“Maybe I ought to have my assistant’s assistant ship it over to my private Fijian island. Though I’m seriously bored just thinking about that place. Victoria’s Secret models can be so vapid when the Krug comes out.

“Perhaps it’d be better closer to home. Just not at home. Hey, I could keep it at Ari’s office? Then again, he already has that contract for my eternal soul, so...

“Oh, Oscar, you’re ruining me. I can feel it. Next thing I know I’m going to be offered a role in Horrible Bosses 3 and this whole thing comes crashing down.

“Fuck it, I’ll just lend the thing to Leo. He’s always really wanted one.”
Hadley Tomicki

Hadley Tomicki lives in Los Angeles. He is probably going nowhere on the 10 Freeway this very second.

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