Calling you an Arctic pirate: ridiculous.

You haven’t even snowmobiled to an abandoned schooner and dined on reindeer meat yet.

Steel your nerves. You’re going on An Arctic Adventure. Specifically, a harrowing snowmobile crusade through Arctic Norway’s deserted ships, spying outposts and Russian mining towns (some of which you’ll also sleep in), taking reservations now for November through May.

Turns out, people abandon some pretty cool stuff in the Arctic. Mostly those old ships and stuff we were just talking about. Also turns out that they’re all snowmobile-accessible.

Your six-day sojourn begins when you meet your guide in Oslo and fly to Longyearbyen. Get some rest. Because the next day, you’ll jump on a snowmobile and speed down an old airport runway toward a Dutch schooner trapped in thick ice.

And then, well... you’re going to keep snowmobiling. Across steep mountain tracks. Over frozen fjords. Through creepy mining towns. And if someone tries to feed you whale and reindeer meat along the way, eat it. Because you’re hungry. Also, because that’s what you signed up for.

Oh, and toward journey’s end, you’ll be leading a team of huskies to an ice cave to drop in on an old Arctic fur trapper.

Just to say hi.