Not you, of course. Every word from your mouth is like a pearl of wisdom inside a shell of... even more wisdom.
The same cannot be said for Gene Simmons.
Which takes us to The Quotable Douchebag, a fine collection of bons mots from some of the world's douchiest people, available now.
First off, let's be clear: this isn't some hoity-toity hardbound coffee table with magnificent illustrations of, say, Trump on a bearskin rug. (Though we like the idea—publishers, call us.) No, this is a ramshackle collection of the most haughty, self-important quotes of all time. (Why yes, John Mayer is quoted at length.)
Suffice it to say, these are quotes from some of the brightest minds of our time. To wit: "Osama bin Laden is the only one who knows exactly what I'm going through." (R. Kelly, of course.) "I know who I am. No one else knows who I am. If I was a giraffe and somebody said I was a snake, I'd think, 'No, actually I'm a giraffe.'" (Richard Gere.) And, perhaps, the best (by which we mean worst): "There are many dying children out there whose last wish is to meet me."
Stay classy, Hasselhoff.