On Sunday, as the rest of the world feasted their eyes on the World Cup, world famous actors and wildly handsome rich guys Leonardo DiCaprio and Ansel Elgort took part in a fabled match of their own—a highly competitive, no-nonsense volleyball game upon the storied beaches of Malibu. And relying strictly on photographic evidence, the match appeared to be a true barn burner.
You know Elgort as the breakout star of 2017’s Baby Driver. You know DiCaprio from simply being alive. And the spontaneous pairing of the two Hollywood titans certainly begs a few questions, like:
How did these two seemingly non-acquaintances end up at the beach together? (They’ve never starred in a movie together.)
When famous people see other famous people at the beach, do intense beach games always spontaneously ensue?
Why is Ansel Elgort wearing puka beads?
And perhaps the most paramount and pertinent of all:
WHO THE HELL WON?
It’s tough to gauge an exact answer to this question, as there is no sign of a scoreboard in any of the distinguished photographs. But we can, however, search for discerning signs of victory and defeat in each image of each player—an educated speculation, if you will—to decide upon a people’s champion. So let’s go ahead and do just that, starting with the general gameday demeanor of the two actors.
Anyone who has ever seen a Leonardo DiCaprio movie knows that the look on that face means absolute business. Yet as rakishly competitive as he seems, DiCaprio has a history of letting his confidence get the best of him, as pickup hoops legend George Clooney can explain.
Elgort, on the other hand, literally looks like he arrived to the beach that day to fuck up as many people as possible in beach volleyball. Those blue-tinted frames were made for sport, and in case you were unclear as to which sport that might be, the additional pukas fill you in right away. Point to Ansel Elgort.
Elgort 1 - DiCaprio 0
This is by far the most excellent of dad-bod shape I have ever seen Leonardo DiCaprio in; it is the shape of the biggest movie star on the planet—a man who has zero time to work out amidst a hectic schedule of sex with models, beach volleyball and the occasional acting gig.
Please, just take five seconds to look at DiCaprio’s ass:
It's adorable, but it's not the kind of ass that gets you through the long grind in the sandy stuff. The ass you're looking for there most likely belongs to Elgort, who is a 6’3” beach-bum-behemoth of lanky limbs and abs. Another easy round for Elgort.
Elgort 2 - DiCaprio 0
If you could briefly retreat to the now infamous photo of Leo’s loins, you’ll further notice that, hey, that’s some pretty nice form!
Whether a set or a block, he’s got two hands at their very highest point, fully extended for peak performance. That’s a fucking outstanding volleyball move from DiCaprio—exemplified further in a head-to-head attack opposite Elgort:
Again, Elgort is a lengthy 6’3”, with Leo clocking in somewhere around the even 6’ mark. Ask any professional volleyball player and they’ll tell you: three inches can make a world of a difference. Yet Leo manages to go full-extendo on Ansel here, matching his vertical range with ease, if not topping it. DiCaprio is on the board.
Elgort 2 - DiCaprio 1
Folks, that’s Leonardo DiCaprio, running away from the net, turning on an extra gear to loft a gorgeous bump to a nearby teammate, grimacing from physical exertion the way he did throughout the entirety of The Revenant. I can only assume he went head-first crashing into that picnic table seconds later.
Meanwhile, Elgort spends the entirety of the match poaching the net like a lazy asshole.
Elgort 2 - DiCaprio 2
At the end of the day, a star player is only as good as their team allows them to be. It’s the reason Ronaldo has never dragged Portugal to a World Cup, and the reason LeBron James falls to the Warriors on an annual Finals basis (and the reason his defeat of them in 2016 was so extra inspiring).
So as I scroll through each one of these photos, an extremely odd recurrence remains inexplicable. While I can count at least three, perhaps even four, teammates on Elgort’s side of the net, it appears as if Leo is playing with one single person every time. Why? Is this unnamed competitor some sort of professional women’s volleyball player? Is she simply a dreamy companion of DiCaprio’s? Or is this just a byproduct of the camera work?
Whatever the case, the numbers don’t add up, tipping the scale massively in favor of Elgort. And thus deciding, once and for all, who won the Instantly Infamous Beach Volleyball Match Between Leonardo DiCaprio and Ansel Elgort.
Ansel Elgort. Ansel Elgort won.
Elgort 3 - DiCaprio 2