'Onion Social' Is the Most Brutal Attack on Facebook We've Ever Seen

It Would Appear the Folks at the Onion Don't Love Mark Zuckerberg

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
Chesnot/ Getty Images

This morning, while Mark Zuckerberg slept on his 1000-thread-count sheets, the Onion was preparing to roast him royally by releasing their own (satirical) networking platform: Onion Social. This shouldn’t have come as a surprise, however. All last week, the site was taking big swings at Facebook with articles like, "Mark Zuckerberg Recalls Coming Up With Idea For Facebook After Seeing Dopamine-Addicted Lab Rat Starve To Death" and "Mark Zuckerberg Insists Anyone With Same Skewed Values And Unrelenting Thirst For Power Could Have Made Same Mistakes."

What is Onion Social exactly? Allow founder Jeremy Rosenbaum tell you in his own words. (By the way, Rosenbaum seems to have stolen Zuckerberg’s wife, Priscilla Chan.)

I also went through the application process myself in order to join the elite social network, which involved answering 38 questions that ranged from my mother’s maiden name to which hate groups I most closely identify with. Here is a screenshot of prompt #8. 

Unfortunately, I was rejected after finishing the questionnaire; frankly, I'm not taking it well. Per Onion Social's suggestion, I reflected on the decisions I’ve made to bring me to this point in my life. And as I did so, I decided to take a tour of the fake site I so badly hope to be approved for one day.

It has all the regular components: friends, groups, memories, "like" button and a “Donate to Onion Social” button that takes $100 out of your account should you click and/or hover over it. One distinguishing feature is the “dox button" which will "conveniently disseminate a person’s social security number, address, phone number and list of family members with a single click."

Along with the features built into the site, many elite influencers have been early adopters, including Logan Paul, Elon Musk and a Campbell’s Soup brand page that keeps calling users c*nts. On the FAQ page, you'll find more in-depth answers to WTF this website is, as well as how to link your entire financial portfolio. The most telling question is "How Do I delete my Onion Social account?"—the answer to which reads: "You’re probably thinking of your Facebook account. In order to delete it, simply click on this link and follow the listed steps."

Your move, Zuckerberg. 

Kady Ruth Ashcraft

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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