Tonight's NBA Finals game marks the beginning of the fourth consecutive installment of the storied Warriors-Cavs rivalry, meaning the two teams have seen about as many sequels as our favorite horror movie franchises. And though we could bore you with advanced metrics and hot takes (well, at least the hot takes), we thought it'd be more worthwhile to evaluate the series by assigning the most terrifying players a Horror Movie Villain Equivalent. Because, really, what better way is there to understand the protagonists of the NBA Finals than through the antagonists of scary movies that have nothing to do with basketball?
Don't answer that. Instead, continue reading below...
5. Draymond Green
Horror Movie Villain Equivalent: Pennywise, from IT
Much akin to Pennywise, Draymond Green is a multifarious clown who spends most of his time morphing into what any and every team fears most—all the while severing their limbs, dragging them into a sewer and endlessly kicking them in the penis. Imagine stumbling upon such tragedy on a basketball court (a therapeutic safe-haven for most). Draymond Green is a monster, and he’s only number five on this list.
4. Klay Thompson
Horror Movie Villain Equivalent: Samara, The Ring
Klay Thompson: A silent, ring-obsessed killer who will allow you seven games to try and not get murdered. (Spoiler alert: you do.)
(I tried very hard to think of a scary movie villain capable of dropping 60 points in 29 minutes—there just isn’t one. Only wizards are capable of such spectacle, and Klay Thompson is most definitely a wizard.)
3. Kevin Durant
Horror Movie Villain Equivalent: Freddy Krueger, A Nightmare on Elm Street
There you are, comfortably up 20 in the biggest basketball game of your life. You’ve successfully rendered Golden State’s barrage of three-point shooting useless by closing out and rotating on defense. You feel so cozy, so warm. “How about a quick nap?” you say. “Just to recharge the batteries.” And then, like the Santa Ana winds, you feel him coming…
Ah! It’s Kevin Durant! In a fedora! You forgot he was here the whole time! He’s murdering the children of Cleveland, Ohio, all over again!
2. Steph Curry
Horror Movie Villain Equivalent: Leatherface, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
And now, a clip of Stephen Curry playing basketball in every 3rd quarter ever:
There is simply nothing as devastating, nothing as traumatic, nothing as harrowing as when Steph Curry decides to hack your legs off with an onslaught of three-pointers.
1. LeBron James
Horror Movie Villain Equivalent: Jigsaw, Saw
Some quick facts:
1. There are eight movies in the Saw franchise. LeBron James has been to eight straight NBA Finals.
2. The Saw franchise spawned from one Saw short film in 2003, titled Saw 0.5. LeBron’s Finals run spawned from one very short Finals in 2007, wherein he only possessed half (0.5) his current powers.
3. Jigsaw is a brilliant, maddening murder-genius famous for putting his victims into a torture chamber. LeBron is… well, you get it.
There is nothing more tragic than waking up in one of James’s most agonizing death traps, where a chasedown block or eye-gouging dunk could take your soul at any moment. Sadly, even the most terrifying of horror villains find a way to their demise by the end of the movie—perhaps the most fitting analogy for LeBron’s #1 spot each year.