After subjecting prominent Minnesotan, Becca "Let's do the damn thing" Kufrin, to a devastating post-final rose breakup session with Bachelor Arie "Let's make out so we don't have to talk anymore" Luyendyk Jr., the powers that be plucked America's most pitiable sweetheart from the depths of her despair and set her upon a Jaccuzi-strewn path to redemption. Yes, in one of the greatest reversals in reality TV history, The Bachelor crushed Becca's spirit, only to make her the star of The Bachelorette just a few months later—all in the name of "love." Ah, to be a comely Midwestern cog in this unrelenting fairy tale machine!
Kufrin's season of The Bachelorette doesn't premiere until May 28th. Thankfully, the generous gods at ABC dolled out some scraps to Bachelor Nation earlier this afternoon, in the form of the always-frivolous bios for our protagonist's 28 male suitors. At first glance, these bios might look a bit different: wherefore are the v-neck-wearing bros we've come to know and love and lovingly chastise? These men look like they went to Trunk Club and asked for the "stylish enough" package, coming out on the other side with bomber jackets, bowties and button-down shirts. One dude even wore a suit! Is this a harbinger of change?
Another slight difference: gone are the random questions that so often evoke such silly answers. Replacing them instead are the kind of three-sentence bios one might find on a self-published book jacket. Who wrote these bios? An intern? Chris Harrison? Kareem Abdul-Jabbar? My world has all but been turned upside down.
With so much sketchy stuff going on, I got together with my equally concerned colleague, Najib Benouar, to find the biggest red flags in the men's bios. And there were many. Let's just say, you should look out for a dude named Connor...
Alex Named His Dog "Donzi"
If you can even call putting two random syllables together "naming."
Blake's Secret Talent Is Swing Dancing
He probably should've kept it that way.
Just...all of Chase.
Christon's Questionable Harlem Globetrotters Credentials
"Bored with his corporate job in Detroit, Christon sent an e-mail to the Harlem Globetrotters to see if they were looking for new talent. Before he knew it, he was flying around the world entertaining thousands with his acrobatic dunks."
Christon's story is more of a red flag for the Harlem Globetrotter's vetting process. He just sent them an email and they were like "sure, yeah, you're on the team?"
Clay "Doesn't Even Curse"
Never trust a guy who calls himself so much of a "true gentleman" that he "doesn't even curse." That's like a dog calling himself such a good boy that he doesn't even poke through the trash looking for food—it's like we know you do but you're not telling us so what are you really hiding?!?! Also, dogs can talk?!?
Connor has so many buttons unbuttoned on his shirt, it's not even clear whether he's even technically wearing the shirt. This guy is already shaping up to be a real wildcard.
David's Lukewarm Avocado Joke
David loves guacamole and hates avocado. And wishes he could've come up with a better hot take.
Garrett's Crazy Eyes
Nobody should be this excited for a picture. He looks like a human exclamation point.
Jake's Stock Romanticism
Jake "is a hopeless romantic who likes to write poems and loves a good dance." Pretty sure Jake just googled "hopeless romantic" and wrote down the first to things that popped up: poems, dancing.
On second thought: he's going to be perfect for this show.
Wait, Are We Sure Jason Isn't Just a Host from Westworld?
Take a close look at this picture of Jason, a "real human" who is supposedly a "Sr. Corporate Banker." Either this is a poor Photoshop crop or Jason is a host sent from Westworld to colonize the fantasy suite. Which is in and of itself a sort of Westworld-ian simulation.
We just mindfucked ourselves into the final rose ceremony.
Jean Blanc Is Named Jean Blanc. Jean Fucking Blanc.
If you asked the writer of a Lifetime movie to come up with the name of a French romantic lead, he might come up with something like "Jean Blanc" (literal translation: Jean White). "Jean Blanc" is the off-brand "John Doe" of French names. Very, very suspicious.
Jordan Is a Male Model
Look up "not here for the right reasons" in the dictionary—it's a non-standard dictionary, okay?—and you might see a picture of male model, Jason.
Kamil's Occupation Is "Social Media Participant"
Unless this is a tongue-in-cheek reference to the insidious effects of social media on the otherwise TOTALLY PURE AND DEFINITELY NOT COMMERCIALLY-MOTIVATED reasons for men to go this show, Kamil wasn't responsible for giving himself this occupation, which means the producers find him extremely thirsty.
Leo Looks Like a Mid-Aughts Pick-Up Artist
And does he have twice as much hair growing on the left side of his head or is that some kind of camera trick?
Now Mike has twice the amount of hair on the right side of his dome. What the hell is going on here?
This Dude's Getting Wasted, Taking Off His Suit and Jumping in the Pool
Nick, a self-proclaimed "weekend warrior" and "life of the party," has definitely seen The Wolf of Wall Street 100 too many times and will likely be the guy who drunkenly jumps into the pool on night one.
Ryan Is a Banjoist
If being a "banjoist" isn't a red flag, then I'm Chris fucking Harrison.