Culture

Facebook Is Unveiling a Feature No One Asked for: a Dating App

A Real, "Hey, Look Over Here!" Move

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
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Justin Sullivan / Getty

Facebook has been in some deep shit lately, but it’s refreshing to know that in the open floor plan offices of Menlo Park, they’re working 'round the clock to make things right, fix our democracy, and expel the Russian bots from our group chats. Just kidding. Mark Zuckerberg said it would take up to three years to fully fix that but in the meantime they’re debuting a new feature that not one person asked for: a dating app. Yep. Facebook is letting users create a dating profile on the website and meet people with similar interests and mutual friends. 

200 million people list themselves as single on the network, so there's a significant pool to draw from. Also a lot of potential for disaster. Let's look at the pros and cons...

Pros

  • You’ll have the option to see other single people attending events you’re attending. Having this information at the ready is remarkably faster than scanning through years of profile pictures to see the last time his potential ex liked a photo and determining the timeline of their breakup. You can use all that time to perfect your smokey eye.
  • Only people who opt into the feature can see if you've created a dating profile. So your grandmother won't get a notification that you're looking for love out of the blue. 
  • Facebook already knows so much about us. It can take cull all the same information Cambridge Analytica culled and help us find love. Maybe they'll match us with people also targeted with the same anti-Hillary propaganda? What a fun topic to discuss on the first date. 
  • This ultimately is a return to Zuckerberg's initial hope for the platform, which was to match up with hot people from college. It makes me tear up seeing this all come full circle. Beautiful. 
  • Users who are listed as in a relationship won’t be excluded from the new feature, which I guess is a win for the poly community?
  • With this new feature you’ll literally never have to leave Facebook again, making it a complete dystopian nightmare and plot of Black Mirror.

Cons

  • People who are interested in you will be immediately introduced to your distant aunt who comments “precious, come visit” on every one of your photos. Usually you can fend her off for a bit, but no more.
  • The people who actively update their relationship status are narcs. Just saying...
  • It isn't totally clear if you have to enter in new information specifically for this feature of they will just take the existing info on your profile. That means, if you're anything like me, you'll have to update your favorite movies and albums from the last time you looked at that section of your profile in 2007. If not, you might be getting set up with a bunch of adults mentally stuck in their teens listening to Greenday's Dookie. 
  • Zuckerberg keeps emphasizing that he wants this feature to be for long term relationships and not hookups. Doesn't he know it's 2018 and all long term relationships spawn from messy late night hookups? 
  • While I said your grandmother won't get notifications that you're looking for love, that's assuming she hasn't opted into the feature and is your friend on Facebook. If you've unfriended any family members or close friends and they have also opted into the feature, then I believe there's a chance you could be matched with them. Hopefully there are some age limits you can put on your search. 
  • Users who are listed as in a relationship won’t be excluded from the new feature, which I guess makes this the literal poor man's Ashley Madison.
  • With this new feature you’ll literally never have to leave Facebook again, making it a complete dystopian nightmare and plot of Black Mirror.


Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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