Perhaps you've heard: the Oscars are upon us. As such, it is the responsibility of those of us who work in the media to drum up as much Oscars-adjacent content as possible without actually being any closer to knowing who won said awards. It is in that spirit that publications including Page Six, Money, and SFGate have treated us to lists that details the reported contents of the six-figure swag bags gifted to nominees, many of whom hardly qualify as "people who could really use a six-figure swag bag."
We, meanwhile, decided to rank the contents of the bags from least to most annoying. Because the contents of these bags are really annoying.
19. Pallet of Jarritos soda donated to celebrity's charitable cause of choice
So far, so not very obnoxious...
18. All of the snacks
Everybody likes free food, and I like to to imagine that Hollywood's finest are no exception to this rule.
17. Pepperface, a lightweight pepper spray
If this isn't a subtle #MeToo reference, I don't know what is. Points for relevance. Although, also, maybe a bit too on-the-nose? Hard to say.
16. A week's worth of spa treatments at Golden Door
Listen, I'm sure this place is top of the line and all, but do you think these Oscar winners just let any old person who throws them some free treatments put their paws all over those precious faces? That's the moneymaker, baby! It's okay, though, because I like to imagine they all gift these certificates to their moms for Mother's Day. Moms are, in my limited understanding of Oscars swag bag politics, the biggest winners of the Oscars swag bag.
15. Modern Innovations levitating Bluetooth speaker
Meryl Streep must have, like, 20 different iterations on the Bluetooth speaker just laying around in her Bluetooth room, so-named for its storage of Bluetooth things.
14. 23 and Me DNA testing kit
Why won't this company go away? Why is it everywhere all of a sudden? Where did it come from? A year ago, nobody had heard of it, and nobody gave a shit who their ancestors were. The last thing we need is a bunch of A-list celebrities to climb on the bandwagon. We'll never hear the end of it.
13. Toothpaste from a brand called My Magic Mud
Somewhere between unicorn lattes and goat yoga we lost our way and decided something that bears a resemblance to mud is what's going to make our teeth clean. To be fair, none of these people have their real teeth anymore anyway, so I doubt they're going to use this regardless.
12. $22 color-changing lipstick
This cosmetic travesty (why color-changing? Why?) comes courtesy of a company called Blush & Whimsy, and suffice it to say, I don't see Margot Robbie using it.
11. Stainless steel lunchbox from Vaya
For the celebrity child who is actively trying not to fit in.
10. All of the goddamn trips
The best thing about winning an Oscar—aside from, you know, winning an Oscar—has to be all the free trips you get. 12 nights in Zanzibar and Tanzania! Six nights in Hawaii! A one-night stay at a Greek resort! A trip to Spain! A private dinner for 16 in Italy! There's nothing annoying about travel. Except, I guess, when it's breathlessly gifted to people who can more than afford it. But hey, award season is stressful, and it's understandable if celebs need to take a load off in a swanky resort, à la post-Oscars Jennifer Lawrence in 2013.
9. A “conflict-free” diamond necklace
Are we supposed to be giving them points for making jewelry out of diamonds that don't have the figurative if not literal blood of war-torn African countries on them?
8. Chocolatines’s chocolate “Chocouture Jewlery Box"
While there's nothing offensive about chocolate—especially the fancy, $86-a-box kind—there's something incredibly so about the portmanteau "chocouture." That said: I hear Daniel Day-Lewis loves his chocouture.
7. Look Fabulous Forever makeup specially formulated for older women
Is this not, like, a borderline offensive thing to gift someone? Actors can't even pawn it off on their moms because then they'll be all "I'm so old" and nobody wants to have that conversation with a menopausal woman, now do they?
6. A free “gum rejuvenation” dental procedure
This is the most depressing shit I've ever heard. Hey, congrats on the Oscar, now better go get those gums rejuvenated! Just what everybody wants to be thinking about in the days following their biggest life achievement.
5. Commissioned painting courtesy of Reian Williams Fine Art
There is nothing more insufferable than having a commissioned portrait of yourself hanging in your home.
4. An "18-minute phobia-relief session"
This sounds suspiciously like a gateway drug to Scientology.
3. Renee Lynn's 24k gold facial
Nothing says "nah, this Oscar hasn't gone to my head!" like blasting your face with 24k gold.
2. Gluten-free chocolate vodka
It's annoying enough to gift gluten-free vodka. But gluten-free chocolate vodka? That's a fucking joke. The only people who have any business drinking gluten-free chocolate vodka are 19-year-old sorority girls. And I'd like to think they don't know any better.
1. Pre-launch access to a new dating app called “NeverMissed”
I can't with this. Like these people—some of the wealthiest, best looking, most successful humans in the world—are just sitting around, twiddling their thumbs, waiting desperately for access to this dating app that nobody has ever seen or heard of yet. Like, oh wow, thank you! Just one small step away from meeting my soul-mate now! exclaims Timothée Chalamet. We all know A-list celebrities don't use dating apps (they have publicists for that), and if they do, they use Raya.