Just as President Trump is a more effective parody of himself than anyone else can be, so too is Winter Break: Hunter Mountain, a new MTV reality show that revolves around eight young people thrown in a budget Airbnb on Hunter Mountain, in New York, ostensibly to snowboard and stuff, but mostly just to drink beers, yell at each other and fornicate in twin-sized beds.
But as much as we’d like Trump to reveal his entire presidency as one, paradoxically long Digital Short, it’s increasingly unlikely that that’s going to be the case. As for Winter Break: Hunter Mountain...I’m mildly convinced that this is not an MTV show at all, but an SNL parody of an MTV show, which MTV has graciously decided to air for added verisimilitude. If last night’s premiere was any indication, it’s going to be even trashier than the network’s last geographically desirable, degenerative Real World knock-off, Floribama Shore—and lest we forget, that series featured a girl pissing in an actual trash can. (It was also parodied by SNL.)
To bring you around to this conspiracy theory, I’ve chronicled the most ridiculous moments from last night’s episode—moments so ridiculous, so hyperbolically of themselves, it’s hard to imagine them actually happening, even on a reality show.
To open the show, Sheen, a 27-year-old meathead from Hoboken, literally explains what winter break is.
“Winter break is basically like summer vacation with snow.” Thank you, Sheen, for that illuminating summation.
We are introduced to a cast member called Jbrew, and given no explanation as to why he’s called Jbrew.
Jbrew’s likes: beer; partying; shredding; his girlfriend.
Jbrew’s dislikes: elitist skiers; chicks who ride on the bunny slope; people calling him a bitch; his girlfriend.
I’m convinced Jbrew is who Johnny Tsunami would’ve grown up to be, had he gone to a community college in upstate New York and developed a taste for hard alcohol at the party at his house to which “everyone’s invited.”
TJ, an army vet, rolls into the house with his mom. A kiss chant is started, by TJ, within minutes of her arrival, presumably in an effort to get her to kiss Jbrew.
This was kind of legitimately weird. Let’s move on.
There’s a blonde girl named Taylar (pronounced [Tay]-[lahrr]?) from California.
It’s like her parents made sure a Valley Girl accent was built in to her actual name. Taylar cannot be real.
Within minutes, Jbrew and TJ just start riffing about other snowboarders they both know. Their names are as follows: Brandon, Sam, Nick and Lumpy.
I might’ve misheard that last one, but I’m choosing to believe that Jbrew and TJ have a mutual friend named Lumpy, because that’s too perfect. A better name could not have been written by someone tasked with coming up with the name of a snowboarder Jbrew and TJ would both know.
TJ: “We’re going to have no problem picking up chicks.”
The first major conflict in the house revolved around a cast member named Jillian, who didn’t want to ruin her hair extensions by going in the hot tub.
But she decides to go in anyway because she wants to fit in. What a dilemma!
Carissa, who observes that “all guys love [her] boobs,” asks Sheen why there isn’t an extra room for sex.
First of all, good question. Second of all, it’s like Carissa came in here trying to be the kind of girl people criticize these shows for. Third of all, Carissa is a professional actress.
“Dude, chill with the nunchucks,” Alessandra, the haughtiest cast member, says to Jbrew.
WHERE DID JBREW GET NUNCHUCKS? DID HE BRING HIS OWN? THIS IS CLASSIC JBREW.
An actual State Trooper broke up a game the cast members were playing, which involved counting, drinking and taking off articles of clothing, because Alessandra’s mommy was worried about her.
Carissa, to Sheen: “We should stay up past everyone else and make this first night worth it.”
Sheen agrees, they both take shots, Sheen gets too drunk and the night ends with Carissa pouring water down his throat and Alessandra force-feeding him pasta. Call me crazy, but I don't think that's how Sheen saw this night going.
There’s a moment in TJ and Jbrew’s room, where they’re both in bed, just kind of drunk sleep-talking about "shredding."
You can’t make that shit up. Or can you?
The following scene unfolded, which simply cannot be real.
INT. – HUNTER MOUNTAIN BAR– NIGHT
Sheen is dancing intimately with an unidentifiable blonde girl in the crowd.
BLONDE GIRL: Where are you from?
Their faces are close.
BLONDE GIRL makes out with SHEEN.
Question: What city could Sheen have possibly said that would've resulted in them not making out?
Long live Winter Break: Hunter Mountain, parody of Winter Break: Hunter Mountain...