Valentine's Day is over. Phew! And though you may think you sealed the deal with your S.O. thanks to the dozen red roses and fancy meal you sprang for yesterday, think again. Netflix has turned the horrifying dating app from Black Mirror's "Hang the DJ" episode into a reality, and while it's technically just a promotional tool that has no actually bearing on reality (that we know of), it's still a little scary to have a computer tell you how long your relationship will last. Basically, what I'm saying is, use coach.dating at your own risk.
For those who need a refresher, "Hang the DJ" is the fourth episode from the new season of Black Mirror, which debuted on Netflix in December of last year. It centers on two people who, hoping to cure their chronic singleness, have submitted to a compatibility algorithm called the System. The System matches participants with various people so that it can collect data about what they're like in relationships in order to eventually pair them with their ideal partner. It can also tell you—should you choose to find out—exactly how long a relationship will last, which can be anywhere from a couple of hours to, you know, forever.
At the risk of giving too much away to those who haven't carved out time for a binge watch, the episode's protagonists, Frank and Amy, are paired and have a relatively quick expiration date. However, no subsequent pairing is ever as emotionally satisfying to them, so they're paired again, but agree not to find out how long their relationship will last this time—that is, until one of them makes a mistake that ultimately costs the couple everything, forcing them to rebel against the oppressive System. Of course, as with all Black Mirror episodes, in the end, there's far more going on than initially meets the eye.
If that isn't enough to scare you away from trying out this most dystopian of dating apps, you'll need a partner (or just a friend) to sign up and use it with you. But fair warning: If you don't click the link to reveal your relationship duration at the exact same time as your partner, you could end up watching your timeline diminish from years to mere minutes right before your eyes. Ain't love grand?