President Trump’s State of the Union address is tonight, and, despite how uneventful the ceremony usually is, the fact that it's Trump means you, like us, will probably tune in to see what he says.
Already, there is a lot of buzz surrounding the speech, wherein Trump intends to reveal the plans for his long-awaited infrastructure plan, wax gibberish about our economic growth and make an entreaty for unity in these most-divided times (we’re not holding our breath on that last one).
After the speech, of course, Jimmy Kimmel is scheduled to interview Stormy Daniels, the porn star who allegedly had an affair with Trump in 2006, while he was married to First Lady Melania Trump. Given the scintillating details she’s already revealed about their relationship—a proclivity for magazine spanking, for starters—it has the potential to be the kind of event we’re liable to remember years down the road, when this whole sordid Trump episode is (hopefully) in our rearview mirror.
Regardless of what goes down tonight, though, one thing is clear: you’re probably going to need a stiff drink. Or many. And to help you with this noble endeavor, we’ve designed a diverting little drinking game pegged to the address.
Drink any time Trump...
-Goes 500 words without you understanding what he’s actually talking about
-Asks you to “believe me”
-Mentions something in the works being the biggest/best/tallest/whatever X -you’ve ever seen
-Actually mentions Puerto Rico
-Unintentionally starts a hashtag
-Defames federal law enforcement
-Lambasts the mainstream media
-Graciously thanks specific Fox News reporters
Take a shot any time...
-Paul Ryan smirks from the Speaker’s seat
-Mike Pence furrows his brow
-Boos are audible
-The camera cuts to stoic Melania, who, for her own health, appears to be inhabiting a meditative state of ambivalence
-Trump gets a standing ovation
Clear your entire liquor cabinet any time...
-Trump pokes fun or threatens violence against “Rocket Man” Kim Jong-un
(Alternate rules: just keep drinking; proceed until end of speech; go to sleep.)