Now There's an App That Helps Track Your Boners

It's for Your Health, Mostly

By Sam Eichner ·
Photo: Noviembre Anita Vela/Getty Images

Of all the ways modern smartphone technology has improved our daily existence—with GPS, Snapchats, kind-of-Tinder—it's greatest potential has remain untapped. Until now.

Yes, what you've (probably not) heard is true: your phone is now helping you track your boners, courtesy of an app called Morning Glory. It launches today on the Apple store, and it's the brainchild of the with-it folks at Roman, a millennial-friendly new health start-up that allows men to get diagnosed for erectile dysfunction via a quick online consultation, and receive a prescription with the upmost discretion. 

How this works is quite simple. When you open the app, you'll be faced with a simple question: did you wake up with morning wood? Depending on your response, you'll receive a corresponding GIF, because GIFs as they pertain to boners (or lack thereof) have a very high comedic success rate. Every morning thereafter, you'll log (pun intended) your morning erections in a handy erection calendar, and unlock various erection facts (like, for example, that morning wood has little to do with having to pee). Three morning erections in a row amounts to a "boner streak," and a confetti party—more or less the erectile equivalent of getting a turkey for bowling three strikes in a row. 

Of course, there's a health-related purpose to the app; you aren't just tracking your boners for fun (unless you are). Morning erections are a strong indicator that you're in good physical health, so if you don't log any for multiple days on end, the app will gently suggest you chat with a physician, and even offer you a gratis phone consultation with a Roman Clinical Director.

Until then, though, keep up the good work. 

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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