Why I'm 1500 Times Better Than Michelle Williams

By Mark Wahlberg (But Not Really)

By Bailey Edwards ·
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Mark Wahlberg, here. Not Marky-Mark, white rapper of the '90s, but Mark Wahlberg, serious, expensive actor who is 1500 times better than Oscar-nominated actress, Michelle Williams.

You may have read in the news that we recently had to reshoot scenes for my upcoming movie after news broke that Kevin Spacey was accused of years of sexual assault, and director Ridley Scott opted to replace him with Christopher Plummer. The film is called, All The Money In The World, which is perfect since that's what I was paid to reshoot all of my scenes. $1.5 million to be exact. 

Michelle? Well, she was paid $80 per diem, which amounted to a little less than $1,000. But for good reason! I'm 1500 times better than Michelle in every single way. 

Michelle's credentials? Michelle has been acting since she was a child and has been award-nominated for roles in Brokeback Mountain, Blue Valentine, My Week with Marilyn, and Manchester By the Sea. Me? I was a model and rapper, famous for hooking my left thumb in my Calvin Klein's seductively so you can see that V shape that lead down to a very buff man's private parts. That is extremely hard to do! I wonder if Michelle has ever used her thumb to pull her underwear down even once? Probably not! Which is exactly why I'm 1500 times better than Michelle Williams. Plus, come on, I made Patriots Day—important film. 

Michelle's past? Kinda dramatic, actually. Heath Ledger, her ex-boyfriend and the father of her child, died tragically of an overdose and she has worked dilligently as a single mom to provide and care for her young daughter. Me? In 1988, I beat up two Vietnamese men and hurled racist slurs at them during and after the fact. That is also extremely hard to do! Have you ever tried to punch two guys? It takes a lot. Which is exactly why I'm 1500 times better than Michelle Williams. 

Bailey Edwards

Bailey (@bedwerds) is a comedian and writer in NYC. She smells of autumn.

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