Culture

That Awkward Moment When: Trump vs. Bannon Edition

Two Former Political Brothers-in-Arms Dramatically Disavow One Another

By Sam Eichner ·
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Photo: Drew Angerer/Getty Images

Political spectators have been abuzz more than usual today following a vitriolic exchange between President Donald Trump and his former Chief-of-Staff, prolific wearer of shirts and the picture the dictionary puts next to its definition of “entropy,” Steve Bannon.

It all started when The Guardian got its hands on a forthcoming book by Michael Wolff, Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House, and the subsequent publication of an excerpt in New York magazine. The book, which is reportedly based on hundreds of interviews with the president and his inner circle, contained numerous negative comments on Trump from Bannon—including a quote where he characterizes the 2016 campaign meeting between Don Jr. and the Russians as “treasonous” and “unpatriotic.”

In response, Trump published a personal statement bashing Bannon, claiming, amongst many other things, that “when he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind.”

Obviously this feud between former political brothers-in-arms is pretty damn juicy—if not a useless/welcome distraction from more important matters, like threats of nuclear war. Therefore, we hope you’ll join us in the Trump vs. Bannon edition of “those awkward moments when...”

[Ed. Note: All Bannon quotes are from the New York magazine article; all Trump quotes are from The New York Times article.]

...your former boy confesses that he thinks your legitimate actual boy is going to shit the bed on the whole Russia thing in front of the American public.
“They’re going to crack Don Junior like an egg on national TV.” —Steve Bannon

...your former boy totally blows a hole in the already paper-thin logic that could’ve defended you from collusion with a foreign power.
The three senior guys in the campaign thought it was a good idea to meet with a foreign government inside Trump Tower in the conference room on the 25th floor – with no lawyers. They didn’t have any lawyers....The chance that Don Jr did not walk these jumos up to his father’s office on the twenty-sixth floor is zero.” —Steve Bannon

...your former boy calls out the true nature of your boy-in-law’s shit.
“This is all about money laundering. Mueller chose [senior prosecutor Andrew] Weissmann first and he is a money-laundering guy. Their path to fucking Trump goes right through Paul Manafort, Don Jr and Jared Kushner…It’s as plain as a hair on your face...It goes through Deutsche Bank and all the Kushner shit. The Kushner shit is greasy.” —Steve Bannon

...your former boy suggests that your fucking boy is not your actual fucking boy.
“Mostly, he went to Russia and he thought he was going to meet Putin. But Putin couldn't give a s*** about him. So he's kept trying.” —Steve Bannon

...your former boy pretty much denies you were ever really boys in the first place.
“Steve Bannon has nothing to do with me or my Presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind. Steve was a staffer who worked for me after I had already won the nomination by defeating seventeen candidates, often described as the most talented field ever assembled in the Republican party.” —Donald Trump

...your former boy leaves you hanging on the whole “championing an alleged child molester for congress” thing.
“Steve had everything to do with the loss of a Senate seat in Alabama held for more than thirty years by Republicans. Steve doesn't represent my base—he's only in it for himself.” —Donald Trump

...your former boy claims that the only thing you’re good at is not in fact sucking your own cock, which was really a point of great pride for you.
“Steve pretends to be at war with the media, which he calls the opposition party, yet he spent his time at the White House leaking false information to the media to make himself seem far more important than he was. It is the only thing he does well.” —Donald Trump

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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