What Beyonce Should Buy Now That She Is The Highest Paid Woman In Music

Including One Very Specific Idea

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
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Last week, Beyoncé was named the highest paid woman in music, dethroning Taylor Swift who previously held the title. Forbes estimated that Beyoncé made around $105 million between June 2016 and June 2017. Adele came in second, surpassing Swift as well, who was named the third richest woman in music.

Beyoncé’s income came from the success of her album Lemonade, the Formation World Tour, and her Ivy Park clothing line. Swift, who Beyoncé surpassed, had a relatively quiet year hiding herself and who she voted for from the public.

$105 million is the kind of money only someone as accomplished as Beyoncé has any business earning and more importantly spending. If I were to ever come across that much money, I’d probably spend it on something stupid like tons of headphones. If I had hundreds of pairs of headphones I could leave them everywhere I frequent and never be without when I inevitably forget my other pair somewhere else. What I’m saying is I shouldn’t ever come into great wealth because I will disappoint everyone.

But Beyoncé doesn’t ever disappoint anyone. That’s just a law, like gravity. Here are very cool, hip ways Beyoncé could spend some of this money.

  • Hiring an actual photographer. We love that Jay-Z is her Instagram husband (and real husband) and while that’s cute, she could honestly pay someone to just take photos of Jay taking photos of her.
  • Buying all of her fans a lifetime subscription to Tidal so we can all enjoy Lemonade whenever we desire.
  • Separate recording studios for Blue, Sir, and Rumi. Sure the last two can’t technically speak, let alone sing, yet, but why not just lead them in the right direction. Some mothers play their children Mozart and in true Beyoncé fashion, she could just go a step further than “some mothers.” Also, if the kids don’t end up doing music, she can just give Michelle access to the studios!
  • Remember when Beyoncé played the Super Bowl half time show and stayed in an AirBnB? I do. I think about it every time I stay in an AirBnB. Like I can afford the same luxuries that Beyoncé does. She should just buy the place. There’s no reason I should be feeling in any way on the same level as Beyoncé. Buy the house, girl.
  • A trillion sequined leotards.
  • This is the point in the list I’m having trouble even imagining what Beyoncé doesn’t already have and feeling very tempted to write “hundreds of pairs of headphones.” But I will resist.
  • She could create a museum to house all of her mother’s costumes made for Destiny’s Child. And no offense to Ms. Tina, but it’s best those outfits remain in a museum and not actually worn around in public.
  • As we all know, Beyoncé’s first singing group Girl Tyme lost in the finals of Star Search to a band named Skeleton Crew. With all of this money, she ought to recreate the entire experience and this time have herself rightly win. I can’t imagine Skeleton Crew has too much going on these days to turn down this offer.
  • Okay, I really think it’d just be a great idea to get so many headphones you never ever have to worry about finding yourself headphone-less. That’s really the worst feeling! You feel naked!
  • Beyoncé always has hot sauce in her bag. What if, and bear with me, the entire bag is made out of hot sauce. I’m not sure exactly how it’d work but Beyoncé could hire some NASA scientists that Trump’s administration has laid off to create this.
  • Alright, I’m just going to end it on this. I would hate to have Beyoncé be stuck anywhere any not have headphones to listen to the music she wants to listen to. So I have she should spend a healthy portion of that money on hundreds of pairs of headphones so she can jam out whenever she needs to. 
Kady Ruth Ashcraft

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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