Analyzing Melania Trump's Mental State As She Watches Ballerinas

And By Watching We Mean "Existing In The Same Space As"

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·

This morning, Judy Kurtz, columnist at The Hill, tweeted out a video of First Lady Melania Trump in the White House watching ballerinas dance to Tchaikovsky’s Waltz. On second thought, watching is a strong word. Melania Trump is standing in the foyer and her eyes are open. But “to watch” implies she is in some way engaging in what is happening in front of her and from playing this video over and over it feels as if she is actively trying to not engage.

This time of year the First Lady has many responsibilities like doing holiday crafts with children and hosting holiday dinners for adults. And regardless if you’re the wife of the leader of the free world, these are a busy few weeks for everybody. Just last week FLOTUS tweeted out a video of her touching her finger tips to all the surfaces of the White House and called it "decorating."

But I don’t want that to be an excuse to overlook whatever is going on with Melania in this ballet video. Join me as I do a deep dive into her current mental state.

Not A Single Smile

I’ve never been to the ballet so I’m not positive that it’s a performance that elicits smiles or laughs. Ballets do feel sort of serious and sometimes, from what I understand, they can be about very serious things like death and rats. But I imagine it isn’t proper etiquette to scowl throughout the dance, correct? And even if it somber subject, you’d still be in awe of the physical feats of the dancers, right?

Is She Frozen?

Why does Melania look like she is stuck in the Upside Down? Or maybe she is staying still like animals do when they know they’re being hunted and want to blend into their surroundings? Oh, I know what it is. Melania, in this moment, has temporarily died. She just spent a long night wide awake as Donald snored next to her and when she came down to get her morning coffee was instead greeted by leaping ballerinas. It was too much for her heart to bear and her heart, for a fleeting act of desperation, stopped.

Maybe This Was A Surprise

Perhaps the reason Melania is stopped dead in her tracks, aside from actually maybe being dead, is that this was an elaborate surprise. Donald surely isn’t behind the ballerina flashmob but see those two Secret Service agents standing on the left. Alright, follow along with me. One of them is desperately in love with Melania and is tortured day in and day out that Donald treats her so poorly. He couldn’t get her a physical gift, no. That’d be too obvious. He had to get her an experience, a memory she’d hold with her forever. A ballet.

When Melania stepped down the stairs and saw the ballet, she did indeed freeze because she knew exactly who it was from: Agent #32017. She couldn’t react they way she wanted to because it’d give their affair away. She could only watch, emotionlessly, and fold her arms in stone cold approval. She loved it. She loved him. It was perfect. It was their perfect secret.

Kady Ruth Ashcraft

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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