We Need This Royal Wedding So Badly

Forget about Net Neutrality, Imagine the Gorgeous Neutrals in Meghan's Bridal Palette!

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
Getty Images

It is my pleasure to announce that His Royal Highness The Prince of Wales has announced that Prince Harry, fifth in line to the throne, will marry Ms. Meghan Markle. We (Prince Charles, myself, and the rest of the world) are all ecstatic over the news of the engagement. In fact, knowing that there is an impending royal wedding has made every other terrible thing playing out in the world right now feel almost bearable.

Why worry too much about the FCC repealing net neutrality when you can think about the stunning array of neutrals Meghan and her bridesmaids will don the day of the wedding! The tax fight is, without a doubt, overwhelming. You know what isn’t as overwhelming? Planning a wedding! Now that’s a plan that solely benefits the rich I can get behind!

In anticipation and celebration of the approaching nuptials, which will take place in spring 2018, here are the facts you need to know. Obsess over them. Drown in them. Make them so central to your life you don’t ever have to read a Trump tweet ever again.

  • Meghan Markle is an American actor on the USA hit legal drama Suits and was once a humble briefcase holder on Deal or No Deal. In my opinion this historic rise makes her the only reality star turned national leader with any authority to write a book titled Art of The Deal.
  • Meghan is of mixed race. Her mother, Doria Ragland, is an African American social worker and yoga instructor. Her father, Thomas Markle, is a lighting designer and won an emmy for his work on Married...With Children. This makes her the first non-white member of the British royal family, which is a pretty massive deal.
  • She has a dual degree in theater arts and international studies from Northwestern University. That completely qualifies her to be a diplomat.
  • This isn’t her first marriage. This has some royalists’ panties in a bunch because technically that makes her “not fit” to wed Prince Harry. But I think if I were as stunning as Meghan Markle, I’d plan to wear a wedding dress a few times over the course of my life. You can’t let looks like that go to waste!
  • Meghan hangs with an enviable clique. One of her closest friends is newlywed Serena Williams. I want you all to stop and really process this. A Meghan Markle royal wedding means we will likely be graced with the vision of Serena Williams in a fascinator. That image alone can overpower any foul remembrance of what Steven Bannon’s face looks like.
  • Her estranged half-sister, Samantha Grant, is writing a tell-all book about the duchess-to-be and is threatening to release loads of family secrets. I can’t imagine any book deflating the world’s excitement over this wedding, but if nothing else this just strengthens my belief that Meghan is living out a true Cinderella story, angry stepsisters and all.
  • The ring Harry used to propose to Meghan with is made with two of Princess Diana’s diamonds as well as diamonds from Botswana. Am I took afraid to double check if they were ethically sourced? Of course! I cannot have that guilt weighing down the only thing that has given me hope in months. Please no one look that up.

So congratulations to you, dear reader, because you now have something joyful to occupy you until the spring of 2018. It’d be great if Bob Mueller and the royals could coordinate their schedules.

Kady Ruth Ashcraft

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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