Food & Drink

12 Surefire Ways to Avoid Talking Politics This Thanksgiving

Ranked from Least to Most Drastic

By Sam Eichner ·
Photo: CSA Images/Snapstock

It’s going to be harder than ever to avoid talking politics over Thanksgiving this year—particularly if you’ve invited a few of the more, err, challenging members of your extended family.

With that in mind, you might want to take a few precautions. Herewith, 12 ways to circumvent all those hot-button issues, ranked from least to most drastic.

12. Steer every conversation towards Gal Gadot. Gal Gadot is the safest topic you can discuss this Thanksgiving.

11. Pretend you’re choking on the stuffing at even the slightest mention of tax reform.

10. Have everyone share one thing they’re thankful for this year. On second thought, do not do this.

9. Eat Thanksgiving dinner with the TV on. Just make sure it’s not showing the news. Or the football game. 

8. Pull the proverbial fire alarm if your Aunt Jane innocently asks everyone at the table if they’d read the latest Ta-Nehisi Coates article in The Atlantic. Yes, Jane, of course I’ve read it, and I appreciate you bringing it up, but let’s not do this now!

7. Make a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos turkey. Then, when your uncle starts rationalizing his support for Roy Moore, you can go, “Hey, look at that Flamin’ Hot Cheetos turkey! What the fuck did I do?!”

6. Turn Thanksgiving dinner into a Thanksgiving dance party. The upside: the music will be so loud you can’t hear anyone talk. The downside: it’s a dance party, with your entire extended family. And a gravy boat.

5. Throw yourself in front of a political grenade and selflessly open yourself up to queries about who you’re currently dating from the flock of vultures just waiting to pick the scraps off the bleeding carcass of your social life.

4. Take a collective vow of silence.

3. Tell Grandpa his invitation to this year’s Thanksgiving got lost in the mail. Sorry, Grandpa!

2. Just do Thanksgiving all by yourself this year.

1. Play a fun game where you all dress up as pilgrims and pretend it’s the first Thanksgiving. Anyone who breaks can get out.

Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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