The year is chaotically coming to an end and the bright, teetering candle 2017 started out as had caught the entire room on fire. We are all standing amidst the blaze, convincing ourselves everything is fine. As the fire rages on, Gossip Cop reports that People Magazine has decided on their sexiest man alive for the year. For those unfamiliar, every year People chooses the one man alive who is sexier than all other men on the planet. And each year a new sexy man is named, last year’s sexy man must be killed. Kiddin— but there is definitely scandal surrounding the decision making process—a process that once put forth Adam Levine as the world’s sexiest living man—and this year is no different.
People, which exists on the same planet as Idris Elba, Cole Sprouse, Ryan Gosling, and hundreds of thousands of other men, both sexy and alive, has decided to bestow the title of sexiest and most alive man to chiseled-tater-tot-with-an-okay-singing-voice Blake Shelton. Should these rumors be true, it means People has twice now honored men who professionally operate swivel chairs on network television as the pinnacle of male beauty. I must ask, for what are we being punished?
Has 2017 not been enough of a test? We are on the brink of a nuclear holocaust and we are being told the best the males species has to offer is Blake Shelton? Can we recount the votes? I’ll email the electoral college. I’ll sign a petition. Hell, I’ll Venmo Jill Stein again if it means a different outcome. Perhaps we as a nation deserve President Trump, but this is the land of Abercrombie & Fitch. From our humble national soil sprung the Chippendales dancers. You expect me to believe that there is no man sexier than Blake Shelton?
Now, I do regret being so rude to dear Blake. I’m aware he’s had a rough few years, divorcing his gorgeous blonde wife, judging a singing show, dating the gorgeous blonde that sat next to him at work. I don’t mean to rob him of this honor, so perhaps I can suggest other accolades for him—participation trophies, if you will—so he won’t feel bad when forfeiting his title to literally any other man. Blake could claim the People Magazine Man Who’s Alive Award. I wouldn’t deny him that! Or maybe he can be the winner of Man Who’s In a Magazine award. I’d also gladly nominate him for Huskiest Man In A Swivel Chair 2017 or Man With A Voice 2017.
In a year as tough as this one has been, we need the Sexiest Man Alive to be truly exemplary. All our hopes and dreams ride on his back, and I simply do not believe Blake Shelton has what it takes to assume that responsibility. So I am calling on him to withdraw the nomination and give it to someone more deserving, like, as I suggested earlier, Hot Jughead, a revitalized character truly none of us expected to be as attractive as he is. I hope Blake understands.