Today, the U.S. government plans to release the remaining batch of (previously) secret JFK assassination files on the National Archives website, the majority of which come from the FBI and CIA. While most historians don't expect any big surprises, we're not most historians—hell, we're not historians at all—so we're still holding on hope for the following revelations...
Kelly Larson: "Just kidding, Oliver Stone did it." —The CIA, FBI and Justice Department
Bailey Edwards: JFK was actually the pioneer of spray tans (it wasn't addison's disease that made him appear tan) but they'd yet to perfect the solution and it was slowly killing him as it seeped into his skin. The thing is, as we all know, JFK was a proud man, so he orchestrated a far more heroic death for himself.
“You ready for the truth, America? Here it comes. Oswald killed Kennedy. That’s right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy, alone and by himself—with a magic bullet. That’s right, the bullet was actually magical. Magic does exist. We’ve known about this for some 2000 years.”
Thompson Brandes: My roommate is a conspiracy theorist. I know this because he spent the entire summer of 2016 on reddit, opting to come out of his room only to talk about the Bay of Pigs (which, let me tell you, is not a very fun thing to talk about if you are not a conspiracy theorist). Let's also call him Doug, because that's his actual name and it's a little too delightfully on-the-nose to redact. Needless to say, Doug has been super fucking pumped for the release of the JFK files. Was the mob behind the hit? Maybe the Soviet Union? Did Fidel Castro and Lee Harvey Oswald play poker on Sundays?
But you know what I hope to see come out of this? Nothing. No intel, no cover-up, no redactions...just, nothing at all. Because frankly, I really like Doug. He's a wonderful friend and person who also happens to cook an outstanding risotto. You gotta try it. He found the recipe on reddit.
Sam Eichner: Fuck it. I hope Ted Cruz's dad really did do it.