And Our Week Four NFL Awards Go to...

Deshaun Watson and Smokin' Jay Cutler Showcase the Best of a Busy Sunday

By Thompson Brandes ·

Week Four of the 2017 NFL season has officially settled in after a Sunday full of mind boggling plays, surprising quarterback play and outstanding celebration work. Each week, we'll take part in admiring these fine catches and hysterical blunders by handing out a set of accolades. Some players will undoubtedly be proud to take home the hardware, others not so much.

Most Impressive Performance: Houston Texans

The Texans waltzed into this home joint as 2.5-point underdogs against a Titans team that’s looked as refreshing as ever in recent memory. Marcus Mariota was supposed to be the one looking like a 3rd-year signal caller; a growing dual-threat leader with a style of play to be dealt with by defenses everywhere. Then—and I must include the highlights because you’ll never believe me when I say this—Deshaun Watson morphed into a literal mutant hawk moth, decimating a Titans defense to the tune of 307 total yards and five touchdowns.

The Texans scored 57 points! And to think that not more than three weeks ago, Bill O’Brien was all like, “Tom Savage is our guy.” This league will never make sense.

Least Impressive Performance: Jay Cutler

I could go on about Cutler’s actual lackluster quarterback play or the Dolphins’ miserable showing in general, but if you don’t mind, I’d like to single out one specifically terrible performance from the phenomenal Jay Cutler:

Is there a way we can get Cutler to change his number to 0 and his last name to “Fucks”? Hell, I wouldn’t mind seeing the entire Dolphins offense line up like this on every single play. God Bless Smokin’ Jay and the $10 million contract the Dolphins are obliged to pay him this season.

The Now Wait Just a Damn Minute Award: Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers

Last week’s MVP and all-around Demigod, Tom Brady, couldn’t prevent a Pats defense from getting absolutely eviscerated by—

[pulls down reading glasses]

[squints into computer screen]

Cam Newton and the Carolina Panthers?

It's probably fair to point out that this team is only two years removed from a Super Bowl, but the Panthers appeared everything but that leading into Week 4. SuperCam looked… well, pretty fucking super raking in over 350 total yards and four touchdowns against a team previously hyped to go undefeated this year. Say it with me: this league will never make sense.

The Bless Your Tired Little Fantasy Football Heart Award: Anyone who went up against Greg Zuerlein yesterday.

Let’s take a look at the Rams kicker’s final stat line on Sunday:

7-for-7 on field goals, two extra points, 27 fantasy points.

If you’ve been personally attacked or viciously maligned by Greg Zuerlein within the past 48 hours, please, email our tips line and we’ll reach out as soon as we can. We’re here for you.

Best End Zone Celebration: JuJu Smith-Schuster

Let’s go ahead and tack on Smith-Schuster’s Goku Dragonball Z performance to the list of exceptional celebrations from Steelers wideouts.

We can talk later about how, in reality, he kind of just chest-passed a football 10-or-so yards. For now, Big Ben and Mike Tomlin need to find a way to score more points—I can only assume there is infinite goodness left in JuJu and Antonio Brown’s touchdown arsenal.

The Jim Croce “I Got a Name” Award for Sustainable Team Identity: LA Rams

Hey, the Los Angeles Rams are… actually kind of legit! Sean McVay’s offense has propelled Todd Gurley back into nobody-wants-to-tackle-me form, rejuvenated an overworked defense and spawned 2nd-year quarterback Jared Goff into a competent decision-making machine. It’s almost as if this young, exciting squad is sparking potential local interest, leaving a helpless neighboring franchise to wither away in the bellows of a deserted soccer stadium.

You’ll be back in San Diego soon, Chargers. Just let the Rams have this.

Thompson Brandes

Thompson Brandes is getting sucked into another Jurassic Park movie on AMC right now.

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