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And Our Week Three NFL Awards Go to...

Tom Brady, You Beautiful Bastard

By Thompson Brandes ·
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Jim Rogash/Getty Images

Week Three of the 2017 NFL season has officially settled in after a Sunday full of mind boggling plays, surprising quarterback play and outstanding touchdown celebrations. Each week, we'll take part in admiring these fine catches and hysterical blunders by handing out a set of weekly accolades. Some players will undoubtedly be proud to take home the hardware, others not so much.

Most Impressive Performance: Week 3

After a couple initial weeks of bewildered quarterback play, sad competition and generally boring gameplay, the narrative Sunday morning was that the NFL was in a rut. And then Week 3 was all like, “Hold my Vicodin, I got this.”

Tom Brady felt it a nice enough afternoon to throw five touchdowns against an impressive Texans defense, the last of which locking in a 36-33 win for the Patriots. A clutch Lions win was hijacked in Detroit after a Golden Tate game-winning snag got overturned. Eagles rookie Jake Elliott laced up a pair of steel-toed Timberlands to kick a 61-yard game winning field goal against the Giants. Aaron Rodgers took down the Bengals in overtime. Hell, even the Niners and Rams gave us a Thursday Night Shootout! What a day for watching enormously violent men toss some leather around on television.

Least Impressive Performance: Joe Flacco

[The sun, rising over Wembley Stadium, peaks over an enthused crowd]

[Joe Flacco steps up to the podium, taps on microphone]

“Good afternoon, London, and welcome… to the--”

[Joe Flacco is sacked for a lost of 16 on the play]

Best Touchdown Celebration: Odell Beckham Jr.

OBJ’s two highlight-reel touchdowns were a lone, shining bright spot amidst another Giants loss. But his finest work of the day came after his first score, when he pretended to pee on the field like a dog:

I like to think Odell woke up that Sunday, took Little Michael for his morning walk (because I’m just assuming here that Odell Beckham Jr. owns a litter of five Corgis that he calls the Jackson Five), and struck a moment of brilliance.

The Now Wait Just a Damn Minute Award: Case Keenum

I can’t tell you how excited I was for my Tampa Bay Buccaneers to launch Case Keenum’s head off his shoulders and through the uprights for three yesterday afternoon. I set myself up with a dozen medium wings at the local New York Bucs bar (blue cheese because I’m not an animal) smitten with my upcoming fortune, and then…

Keenum threw for 369 yards, three touchdowns and zero interceptions as the Vikings absolutely Skol-[REDACTED] a depleted Bucs secondary. Shouts to Stefon Diggs for also being extremely good at catching and running with footballs. I found tiny crevices of joy in watching him dance his way to 173 yards and two scores on the day.

The Mark Sanchez Award for Courageous Achievement in Football Dorkdom: Marcus Cooper

(HAHAHAHA.)

I love plays like this and love that they will always present themselves to us every single year. You can tell something terrible is going to happen to Bears cornerback Marcus Cooper as soon as he lets up at the ten, but my personal favorite part might be the commentators going completely radio silent upon the mishap. I can’t decide whether they are genuinely speechless or they just flipped off their audio to let out a few guffaws and f-bombs before composing themselves accordingly.

The Tom Brady Is Your God Now Award for Immaculate Tom Brady-ing: Tom Brady

I’m really looking forward to Bladerunner 2049 in a few weeks to see if Tom Brady lasers one to Harrison Ford for a 25 yard touchdown pass in a roaring Pats home win.

See you next week.

Thompson Brandes is getting sucked into another Jurassic Park movie on AMC right now.

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