In the weeks leading up to last night’s Week 1 opener, all any NFL pundit could talk about about was the prospect of the Patriots going undefeated. Tom Brady is better than ever, they said. His vegan lifestyle is totally sick, they shouted. This year’s team will be even more dominant than 2007’s, they proclaimed. And then, in perfect NFL fashion, Alex Smith turned into a human ball of flames and the Chiefs trounced the Pats in the 4th quarter for a convincing road win. Every NFL season is totally unpredictable, and we could easily see up to nine upsets this Sunday alone.
So, with that said, I’m not going to touch the lines, spreads, or even tell you who to pick this weekend—I can’t really have that kind of responsibility on my conscience. I lose enough sleep as it is. I will, however, divulge some intriguing prop bets to you. Maybe they're real, maybe they're not. (They're not.) But wow, Week 1 is absolutely chock-full of them. Let’s start with the Odds:
Odds
Odds a list of Cleveland starting quarterbacks is displayed during the first quarter of the Steelers-Browns broadcast: 1/10
An annual ritual. Tim Couch will live forever.
Odds Blake Bortles gets yanked before halftime: 30/1
Pretty attractive bet right?
Odds a punt returner hits a “first down” celebration after calling for a fair catch: 100 /1
How has nobody done this yet?
Odds Odell Beckham Jr. rips his helmet off after scoring a touchdown only it’s not Odell Beckham Jr. at all it’s Jamie Foxx: 5/1
Strong odds. But this would be the most Odell Beckham Jr. thing ever.
Odds Ryan Gosling stars in an Alex Smith biopic someday: 8/1
These jumped up from 80/1 after last night’s performance.
Odds Ndamukong Suh delivers a Captain Insano Blow to an offensive lineman’s eyes only to fully deny such action in the post-game: 1000/1
[Kneels and prays to the football gods]
Over/Under
Colin Kaepernick mentions: 15
Take the over.
Number of times Smokin’ Jay Cutler is shown deathly despondent on the sidelines: N/A
Sadly, the Bucs-Dolphins game got pushed to Week 11. Next week.
Beers Chris Collinsworth drinks during his broadcast: 2
His first call of the year was last night, and I’m pretty sure he hit the over after Tyreek Hill tied cinderblocks to everyone’s feet in the second half.
Times Jon Gruden says, “I love this guy, man.”: 4
Boy, this is a tough call, man.
Number of “fucks” Rex Ryan drops on-air: 1
Let’s do this, Rex.
Terrible end zone celebrations: 7
The NFL lightened the burden on touchdown celebrations this year—it’s fantastic news. But while many will brilliantly capitalize on this opportunity, there will almost certainly be several players who totally fuck this up.
Number of twerks pumped in the Steelers-Browns game: 5
Antonio Brown is still on the Steelers so...
