Entertainment

Inside DiCaprio's Casting as da Vinci

It Wasn't an Easy Decision

By Geoff Rynex ·
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Paramount has just won a bitter bidding war for the rights to Walter Isaacson’s (Steve Jobs) as-yet-unpublished biography on artist/inventor/philosopher Leonardo da Vinci, according to Deadline. In further news, da Vinci will be played by none other than Leonardo DiCaprio. This is both exciting and amusing to no end.

When the casting decision was made, we believe it’ll look a little something like this…*

*The story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.

Irv Krasnick [chomping on cigar]: Alright, it’s taken us 43 years to make this thing happen. It’s been in turnaround six times. Polanski was supposed to direct it for, Chrissake. Let’s not fuck this up, shall we? I say we go with DiCaprio. He’s an Oscar-winner, he’s got the gravitas. And, oh yeah, his goddamn name is Leonardo D-goddamn-something. DiCaprio? More like, Duh—shall we get this over with and try to make lunch at Polo Lounge already?

Harry Bennington: Just a minute, Irv. DiCaprio’s got Devil in the White City coming up, and I heard he’s about to take the lead in the Joe Petrosino biopic.

[oohs and aaahs and “yeah, I could see that”s from the assemblage of powerful old white men.]

He may not be available. Javier Bardem’s schedule is much more favorable, and I think I buy his heavy silence and his general Europeanness as da Vinci a little more… But on the other hand, Leonardo DiCaprio’s name is Leonardo Da-something, so, it’s possible our hands are tied here. We’ll need to speak with the union.

Jim Jensen: Should we put in a call to Hanks? Didn’t he play da Vinci a few years ago? Is a new star gonna confuse the audience? We don’t want another Kutcher/Fassbender Steve Jobs situation here. What a nightmare. But…Da-something. And Leonardo! Jeeze, I’m at an age where I can’t pass up signs from God like this.

Lawrence Gold: No I don’t think Hanks played da Vinci anyway. But was da Vinci the one that painted the Sistine Chapel. Me and Helen saw that thing 20 years ago. Beautiful. Problem is, DiCaprio’s method. Are we gonna need permits for him to scaffold up the Vatican and hang from the ceiling? I don’t need that headache. But still, Leonardo Da-something. It’s got a nice ring to it.

Jim: No, the Sistine Chapel was—

Irv: Alright I think we’re all decided here. Put out a call to Da-something’s agent. Let him know we’ll meet his quote, whatever it is. Gentlemen, let’s make a picture.

Geoff Rynex is the only person named Geoff Rynex in the history of mankind. He would rather have the best burger than the best steak, likes hearing bartender stories and spends too much money on clothes.

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