Entertainment

Jeff Bezos Surpasses Bill Gates to Become the Richest Man on Earth

Could It Have Had Something to Do with Those Massive Biceps?

By Sam Eichner ·
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Photo: Drew Angerer via Getty Images
It’s official: a rich middle-aged white male tech CEO has surpassed another rich middle-aged white tech CEO to become the richest person in the world.

Yup, according to Bloomberg, a surge in Amazon’s stock this morning has given founder Jeff “Biceps” Bezos the boost he needed to overtake Bill Gates as the world’s wealthiest human. He’s currently worth an estimated $90.9 billion, to Gates’s $90.7 billion. Sucks to suck Bill!

Now, I’m not normally one for conspiracy theories, but might this surge in Amazon’s stock have something to do with the fact that Jeff Bezos is, like, totally fucking jacked now? Could Bezos literally have muscled his way to the top of the list?

It’s possible, although it could also have something to do with Amazon’s recent acquisition of Whole Foods. But hey, that theory is no fun.

And speaking of fun, answer me this: hypothetically, if a real person was going to become a supervillain, wouldn’t that real person be a lot like Jeff Bezos?

Just consider the facts:

1) He’s super rich.

2) He has super strength.

3) He’s bald.

4) He practically controls the web.

5) He now owns the primary food source for millions of millennial yuppies who rely on organic salmon fillets and extra virgin avocado oil to survive

First, he controls your avocado oil. Next, the entire world.

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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