Today, we take a look into the deep follows of the one and only Chrissy Teigen, model, cookbook author, television co-host, person who likes cake, generally agreed upon “dream girl,” #freethenipple advocate, and devoted wife of John Legend. As if you needed any reminder of how awesome she is, Teigen was also just blocked on Twitter by our butt-hurt President of the United States.
Let's see what Freud, Jung and Rogers have to say about the lass. Just kidding, let's dive headlong down the rabbit hole and bullshit this thing instead...
Followers: 13.8 million
Credo: "making america great again" (But, like, actually—she's not not)
The Bell Curve
Teigen follows the standard assortment of people models tend to follow, like fashion mags, stylists, hairstylists, dermatologists (huh?), other models and make-up artists. But given her thing for cooking, she also follows more chefs (Chang, Batali, Flay, others) than the average high-profile ‘grammer of her ilk, as well as people who make cake and Taco Bell, the gall of which you sort of have to begrudgingly respect. The composite of all of her follows would probably equal a model who indulges herself in a bevy of gloriously gluttonous foods. Aka, Chrissy Teigen.
This is not John Legend’s account. It seems like a fake account someone made and then didn’t care enough to maintain. That someone may or may not have been John Legend himself. Either way, it’s kind of cute. There’s only one post, and it’s a rather adorable picture of the couple rendered in an Instagram-appropriate tint. Also, this Fake John Legend only follows three people: Chrissy Teigen, the actual John Legend and Barack Obama. You can't question Fake John Legend's taste.
Meet Rob M. He is an ostensibly big-hearted world-traveling New York bro who is “sarcastic AF” and can often be found lingering in or around pools and bikini-clad women. He has a nice scruff and cool sunglasses. Add these things together and you get Rob M. Nay, the Rob M. We’re not sure what Teigen sees in him. Then again, she can often kind of seem like a 28-year-old former frat bro stuck in a beautiful mother’s body. Perhaps they’ve Freaky Friday’d a time or two. You know, just for fun. That would explain everything. And nothing. Mostly nothing.
@livingroyal and @stancesocks
Apparently, our girl has a thing for statement socks. This is strange because when you search google with the phrase “Chrissy Teigen statement socks,” which is the one and only tool that every self-respecting journalist uses to research his stories, you come up with nothing. Judging by the results, Chrissy Teigen does not wear statement socks. She may or may not even wear socks! Conclusion: she’s either a “pad-around-the-house-in-socks-while-John-Legend-plays-piano” type of girl. Or Johnny L.—a very bad nickname for John Legend that I’ve just entered into the public lexicon, sorry Johnny L., shit, there I go, again—likes statement socks, and she just follows them for him. What a caring life partner. [ED NOTE: it's possible only people treading wildly in the chop of #menswear writing have ever heard the term "statement socks." For most people (hey, Chrissy) I think they're just "fun".]
Of course Chrissy Teigen follows an Emmy-award winning retired news anchor/mom from Central Indiana—who, contrary to popular (aka, my initial belief) is not related to VP Mike Pence.
Because, wait...what? Are you trying to tell me you don’t get your news from CBS/WTTV in Indianapolis? Fuck off. No, seriously. Fuck off.
Teigen follows her fair share of humorous accounts and comedians. But we’re not really sure why she follows World’s Funniest hosted by Terry Crews, which ran for one year in 2015 and by all accounts looks like America’s Funniest Home Video’s, just expanded to include the rest of the world. There is really no reason for this to exist now that we have YouTube. It didn’t really have that much reason to exist before YouTube, unless you were getting stoned, Jackass wasn’t on and you still wanted to sate your craving for watching people slip and fall and stuff. The only possible solution to this problem is that she’s friends with Terry and didn’t want him to feel bad about hosting such a shitty show. Wow. Chrissy Teigen is a really good friend.
Good friend. Great mother. Well-informed on issues pertaining to small-town Indianans. Has the ability to Freaky Friday with people...It is clear that Leslie Knope from Parks and Recreation is trapped in Chrissy Teigen’s body and is trying to send us a message. Either that, or literally any other explanation.