Tabloid Flash Fiction: Brad Pitt Is Not Dating Sienna Miller

Or Is He?

By Sam Eichner ·
“Nope, not true. Brad Pitt is not dating Sienna Miller or Elle Macpherson, contrary to recent reports, sources tell Us Weekly.

The actor, who split from wife Angelina Jolie in September 2016, attended the Glastonbury Festival over the weekend and was spotted at the event on Saturday, June 24, with Miller.

Contrary to The Sun’s report that 53-year-old [Brad] Pitt and [Sienna] Miller, 35, “couldn’t keep their hands off each other,” an insider tells Us that there’s nothing romantic going on between the two. 

‘Brad was there with Bradley Cooper. Sienna is also good friends with Bradley Cooper. They were all hanging out as friends,” the insider informed Us. “There’s nothing going on there.’”

via Us Weekly

Ménage à trois,” Bradley says to the group. “That’s ‘threesome’ in French. In case you didn’t know, I’m practically fluent in French.”

Brad, 53, mindlessly scarfs down a hot dog, and stares at the sky.

“Oh, Bradley,” Sienna, 35, says, playfully hitting him on his shoulder. “Stop it. You know that’s not what this is.”

The three are splayed out on a patch of grass. Brad’s motorcycle is parked nearby. He rubs his beard and narrows his eyes, as if deep in thought: What are stars made of? How does the color blue feel to the touch? Are we all just human-shaped piles of dust? Another hot dog materializes in his hands and he takes a bite of that one, too. He is in a constant state of mastication.

“I’m friends with you,” Sienna, 35, continues. “You’re friends with Brad. We’re all hanging out as friends.”

“There’s nothing going on here,” Brad, 53, agrees, an inkling of a smile on his face, as he slips his hand down the small of Sienna’s back. “Man.”

Now a hand-rolled cigarette appears in the valley between Brad’s lips. How it got there is anyone’s guess. He lights it by the flame from the friction of two sticks. 

“The Foo Fighters are playing soon,” Bradley announces giddily. He has that cup-runneth-over glean in his eye whenever he talks about Foo. “We should head over there.”

Sienna, 35, has, through some mixture of small-scale illusion and magnetic pull, ended up on Brad’s lap without ever having moved, their limbs ensnarled. His cigarette has been replaced by a toothpick. Brad, 53, plays around with it with his tongue.

“You should go, man,” Brad, 53, says in a gravely tone, Sienna’s cheek pressed against his. “We’ll catch up with you.”

The sound of distant applause reaches their patch of grass. The Foo Fighters are about to go on. Bradley’s eyes oscillate rabidly between Brad, 53, and Sienna, 35, and the stage.

“I thought we were all hanging out as friends,” Bradley tries.

Brad, 53, smiles that smile, momentarily permitting himself to recognize his place in the cosmos.

“We are, man,” he says, a knowing twinkle in his eye. “There’s nothing going on here.”

Just then, Sienna, 35, pulls a toothpick out of her mouth.
Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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