The Real Names for All 15 New Ken Dolls

Here’s What “Preppy Check Ken” Actually Goes By

Photos: Spencer Lowell via GQ (content); Mattel (inlines)
Today, Barbie expanded its line of Ken dolls to offer 15 new, diverse and man-bun-having iterations, featuring three different body types: slim, broad and still castrated original.

And while we were happy to hear about Mattel’s more inclusive conception of the American Male, we were slightly disappointed with the anodyne names they gave to these new Kens, like “Distressed Denim” and “Tropical Vibes.”

Thus, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to rename them—with slightly more specificity.

Given Name: Color Block Cool Ken
Real Name: Wasn’t Cool in High School but Suddenly Got Hot Ken

Given Name: Hip Hoodie Ken
Real Name: Back-Up Dancer #12 for Beyoncé Ken

Given Name: Checked Style Ken
Real Name: Harvard Snowflake Ken

Given Name: Cactus Cooler Ken
Real Name: Just Moved to Brooklyn But Already Talking About Moving to Austin Ken

Given Name: Tropical Vibes Ken
Real Name: Always the First to Start Dancing On a Couch at that Clubby Brunch Place Ken

Given Name: Hyped on Stripes Ken
Real Name: Shoved You en Route to Mac Miller Concert at Coachella and Didn’t Even Apologize Ken

Given Name: Plaid on Point Ken
Real Name: Increasingly Lumbersexual Ken

Given Name: Cali Cool Ken
Real Name: Wanna Take a Hit of This Pot and Get Some Dope Mahi-Mahi Tacos Ken

Given Name: Preppy Check Ken
Real Name: Keeps On Forgetting He Already Told You About the Time He Banged Your Family Friend Back In College Ken

Given Name: Classic Cool Ken
Real Name: Waiting Tables While Trying to Make It as an Actor in LA, Just Booked a Target Commercial So Things Are Really Happening Now Ken 

Given Name: In Black & White Ken
Real Name: Haven’t Gone Out Since Sheila Broke Up with Me But Hey, I’m Ready to Hit the Club Tonight, Promise I Won’t Cry on the D-Floor This Time Ken

Given Name: Super Stripes Ken
Real Name: Dude I Know You Wanted a Low-Key Bachelor Party, But... Ken

Given Name: Chill in Check Ken
Real Name: Shadily Has a Giant Horsecock Ken

Given Name: Distressed Denim Ken
Real Name: Rides His Longboard in the Bike Lane Like a Fucking Idiot Ken

Given Name: Camo Comeback Ken
Real Name: Was Star Quarterback in High School and Is Currently Working at Gap Ken

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