If you don’t mind, I’m just going to skip the intro part of these letters where I take a guess at what you’re doing right now or where you are or what you’re thinking because I literally have zero idea. All I know is that you are 10. That’s all I know.
But where I lack in extrasensory perception, I make up for in an abundance of intermediary wisdom that I am more than happy to divulge. I have seen some shit.
I’m writing you today because 2 Chainz just released his new album “Pretty Girls Like Trap Music”. You’re going to listen to a LOT of 2 Chainz. And, oh my gosh, you’re going to enjoy it. 2 Chainz is essentially that scene from The Sandlot—where Hamilton Porter calls his shot and rakes a sauce-heavy homer directly after—personified into a tall, beautiful human with dreads. Can you even imagine? I hope you can. I also hope you can read. Because every bit of hard-earned advice I am about to give you is coming in the form of a 2 Chainz lyric from said new album.
I can honestly think of no better way to communicate these lectures to you. So please, go forth and take heed:
“For my birthday I threw me a surprise party.” –4 AM
Don’t let others dictate your life when you’re the one who has to live it. Do you like surprise parties? Throw yourself one. No one will ever know you better than yourself.
“Anytime she wanna dip I’m providin’ the sauce.” –4 AM
Never show up to a party empty-handed. Especially if a potential love interest will be present.
“Hard to get some head and try to drive, ooh.” –4 AM
Multitasking will never be one of your strong suits.
“I wore some Gucci to your mama house just to leave it there.” –Riverdale Rd
Moms will always deserve every ounce of your attention and respect. A kind gesture will never go unappreciated.
“Anotha day we gotta get it. Can’t forget how I fucking had the door swangin’.” –Door Swangin
Never forget where you came from. Take no day for granted.
“Turn up in tennis shoes, turn up in red bottoms.” –Door Swangin’
Never be afraid to be yourself and have some fun, regardless of attire.
“I’m so high they might call a goaltend, yeah.” –Poor Fool
This is just a very dope line.
“I’m addicted to the rice at Benihana.” –Poor Fool
Don’t do drugs.
“Believe in yourself, who else gon’ believe in you?” –Rolls Royce Bitch
This is paramount: always, always believe in yourself and forget anyone who doesn’t. They are wrong.
“Every song is a single, you hear how the money talk, I may be bilingual.” –Sleep When U Die
Efficiency is the key to success.
“Walking through the airport in crocodile slides.” –Trap Check
Always wear a nice comfy shoe to the airport that is easy to slip off. Security is about to severely tighten up.
“Drippin so much sauce on your bitch look like she wettin’ the bed.” –Blue Cheese
Confidence goes a very long way in life.
“Blue cheese, no ranch, all hunnids.” –Blue Cheese
You are a blue cheese guy, my friend.
“I might take a can of paint and go paint the white house.” –OG Kush Diet
Do not do this.
“Cause you got a deep title don’t mean that you deep.” –Burglar Bars
Never let a man’s job, wealth and success define him. What is true lies within. This is deeply important.
“I did everything except a fucking song with Jay,
But I murdered every song I fucking did with Ye.” –Burglar Bars
Through the darkness always comes a light.
“I took it straight to the block, I got Xans in my sock.” –Burglar Bars
Your socks are a great place to hide drugs.
“Used to dust myself off, then I eat me some shrimp.” –Burglar Bars
It’s inevitable that you will catch a few Ls in life. But never let that stop you from savoring the Ws. They are everywhere, even in the smallest cracks and crevices of life, so long as you look for them.