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That Awkward Moment When: James Comey Statement Edition

Comey Spins a Tale of Unrequited Love?

By Geoff Rynex ·
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James Comey’s prepared statements for his open Senate testimony are now out in the world. You can read them in full here. But, not having the social responsibilities of a New York Times, we’ll paper over such relatively minor issues as possible obstruction of justice, collusion with a foreign power, abuse of office, et. al, and focus on the painfully awkward social encounters with the Failed-Yam-Casserole-in-Chief that pepper Comey’s very professional, politely euphemized accounts.

Here then, is a breakdown of Jim Comey’s “those awkward moments when…”

…you have to discreetly warn the prez there may be footage of him asking Russian hookers to piss all over a hotel bed.
“The Director of National Intelligence asked that I personally do [the Russian hooker pissing] portion of the briefing because I was staying in my position and because the material implicated the FBI’s counter-intelligence responsibilities. We also agreed I would do it alone to minimize potential embarrassment to the President-Elect.”

…you realize he’s creepily thirsty for your company.
“ I spoke alone with President Obama twice in person (and never on the phone) – once in 2015 to discuss law enforcement policy issues and a second time, briefly, for him to say goodbye in late 2016. In neither of those circumstances did I memorialize the discussions. I can recall nine one-on-one conversations with President Trump in four months – three in person and six on the phone.”

…he tricks you, a subordinate, into a romantic dinner for two.
“He had called me at lunchtime that day and invited me to dinner that night, saying he was going to invite my whole family, but decided to have just me this time, with the whole family coming the next time. It was unclear from the conversation who else would be at the dinner, although I assumed there would be others.

It turned out to be just the two of us, seated at a small oval table in the center of the Green Room. Two Navy stewards waited on us, only entering the room to serve food and drinks.”

…your wingman is abruptly cleared out of the room so the prez can make his move.
“The President signaled the end of the briefing by thanking the group and telling them all that he wanted to speak to me alone. I stayed in my chair. As the participants started to leave the Oval Office, the Attorney General lingered by my chair, but the President thanked him and said he wanted to speak only with me.”

…President Recalled Tanning Bed Victim pulls the old "I thought we had something special, but obviously I was mistaken."
"[Trump] added, “Because I have been very loyal to you, very loyal; we had that thing you know.” I did not reply or ask him what he meant by “that thing.”"

…the goddamn leader of the goddamn free world makes his totalitarian requirements of you known in fairly certain terms.
“A few moments later, the President said, “I need loyalty, I expect loyalty.” I didn’t move, speak, or change my facial expression in any way during the awkward silence that followed. We simply looked at each other in silence.“

Geoff Rynex is the only person named Geoff Rynex in the history of mankind. He would rather have the best burger than the best steak, likes hearing bartender stories and spends too much money on clothes.

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