But before you do, we thought it apt to compare a president whose antics are the work of fiction with a president whose antics are, too often, much stranger than fiction.
This is Necessary Comparisons: President Underwood and President Trump.
All-Too-Revealing Meat Preference
Frank Underwood: BBQ ribs
Donald Trump: Well-done steak with ketchup
Cold-Blooded Blond Associate
FU: His wife, Claire Underwood
DT: His work wife, Kellyanne Conway
Notable Physical Takedown
FU: Surreptitiously threw Zoe Barnes in front of a moving train.
DT: Once body-slammed, beat and shaved Vince McMahon. Hey, Congressman-elect Gianforte had to learn that move from somebody.
What the Russians Have on Them
FU: A backchannel deal involving the Jordan Valley and Claire Underwood’s removal as UN Ambassador.
DT: Please let us know at your earliest convenience, Mr. Comey.
Cathartic Medium of Choice
FU: Shakespearean soliloquy
DT: 3am Twitter outrage
FU: Threesomes with his wife and other men.
DT: Golden showers, if we are to believe reports from impeccably credentialed British intelligence officers.
Most Threatening Washington Media Entity
FU: The Washington Herald (via former editor Tom Hammerschmidt)
DT: The Washington Post
Principled War Veteran-Turned-Politician Who Hates Their Guts But in Their Reckless Pursuit of Power Is Nonetheless Willing to Support Them
FU: Jackie Sharp
DT: John McCain
Hollow Campaign Slogan
FU: “Putting America Back on Track”
DT: “Make America Great, Again”
Strong-Willed Female Opponent
FU: Heather Dunbar
DT: Hillary Clinton
“Writer I’d Like to Fuck” (WILF)
FU: Thomas Yates
DT: Donald Trump
Person Who Bears a Striking Resemblance to Actor Nathan Darrow That Will Do Anything for Their President
FU: Edward Meechum, who is played by actor Nathan Darrow, and takes a literal bullet for the President.
DT: Jared Kushner, White House fuccboi, who looks like he could be played by actor Nathan Darrow, and could conceivably take a figurative bullet on Russia for the President.
FU: Rapping his knuckles on hard surfaces.
DT: That smug-as-fuck smirk you want to wipe off his face without actually having to touch his face, because that would be gross.
Preferred Method of Exercise
FU: The rowing machine in his basement.
DT: Would rather spend his finite number of heartbeats bum-rushing diplomatic photo ops than doing any sort of cardio.
Quality That Presents the Gravest Threat to Our Country
FU: Sheer intelligence
DT: Utter stupidity