Necessary Comparisons: President Underwood and President Trump

Who’s the Lesser of the Two Evils?

By Sam Eichner ·
Today, Netflix released the much-anticipated fifth season of House of Cards. We’re sure you, like us, are just itching to spend the next week on the great binge (that’s if you didn’t just call in sick today).

But before you do, we thought it apt to compare a president whose antics are the work of fiction with a president whose antics are, too often, much stranger than fiction.

This is Necessary Comparisons: President Underwood and President Trump.

All-Too-Revealing Meat Preference
Frank Underwood: BBQ ribs
Donald Trump: Well-done steak with ketchup

Cold-Blooded Blond Associate
FU: His wife, Claire Underwood
DT: His work wife, Kellyanne Conway

Notable Physical Takedown
FU: Surreptitiously threw Zoe Barnes in front of a moving train.
DT: Once body-slammed, beat and shaved Vince McMahon. Hey, Congressman-elect Gianforte had to learn that move from somebody.

What the Russians Have on Them
FU: A backchannel deal involving the Jordan Valley and Claire Underwood’s removal as UN Ambassador.
DT: Please let us know at your earliest convenience, Mr. Comey.

Cathartic Medium of Choice
FU: Shakespearean soliloquy
DT: 3am Twitter outrage

Sexual Fetish
FU: Threesomes with his wife and other men.
DT: Golden showers, if we are to believe reports from impeccably credentialed British intelligence officers.

Most Threatening Washington Media Entity
FU: The Washington Herald (via former editor Tom Hammerschmidt)
DT: The Washington Post

Principled War Veteran-Turned-Politician Who Hates Their Guts But in Their Reckless Pursuit of Power Is Nonetheless Willing to Support Them
FU: Jackie Sharp
DT: John McCain

Hollow Campaign Slogan
FU: “Putting America Back on Track”
DT: “Make America Great, Again”

Strong-Willed Female Opponent
FU: Heather Dunbar
DT: Hillary Clinton

“Writer I’d Like to Fuck” (WILF)
FU: Thomas Yates
DT: Donald Trump

Person Who Bears a Striking Resemblance to Actor Nathan Darrow That Will Do Anything for Their President
FU: Edward Meechum, who is played by actor Nathan Darrow, and takes a literal bullet for the President.
DT: Jared Kushner, White House fuccboi, who looks like he could be played by actor Nathan Darrow, and could conceivably take a figurative bullet on Russia for the President.

Famous Tic
FU: Rapping his knuckles on hard surfaces.
DT: That smug-as-fuck smirk you want to wipe off his face without actually having to touch his face, because that would be gross.

Hair Malleability
FU: Weak
DT: Weaker

Preferred Method of Exercise
FU: The rowing machine in his basement.
DT: Would rather spend his finite number of heartbeats bum-rushing diplomatic photo ops than doing any sort of cardio.

Quality That Presents the Gravest Threat to Our Country
FU: Sheer intelligence
DT: Utter stupidity
Sam Eichner

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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