Best Actress. Best Actor. Best Makeup and Hairstyling.
Obviously, you’re sleepless with anticipation about the winner in all three Oscar categories. Still, these categories have been done.
It’s time we all properly recognized 2016’s most important fuckboy, mustachery and role that should’ve been played by Melissa McCarthy.
This... is your 2017 Alternative Oscar ceremony.
Most Notable Commercial for Google Earth
Lion
Most Notable Commercial for Instagram
Knight of Cups
Sunniest Ensemble of Struggling Actresses With Brand-New Priuses
La La Land
Best Performance as a Glorified Fuckboy
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Most Awkward Storyline About Killing Kate Moss
Absolutely Fabulous
Best Performance as a High School Teacher Who, Despite Some Concerning Plot Points for a While There, Doesn’t Ever End Up Getting Creepy With a Student
Woody Harrelson, The Edge of Seventeen
Most Convenient Blackouts
Emily Blunt’s in The Girl on the Train
Special Achievement in Making Two Titular Exclamation Points Feel Kind of Acceptable
Everybody Wants Some!!
Most Unexpected Animated Film to Get Caught Up in Weird Trump News
Finding Dory
Lifetime Achievement Award for Snot Glands
Viola Davis’s
Weirdest True Story About Fake News Spiraling Out of Control
Author: The JT LeRoy Story
Most Low-Key Execution of a Batshit Sci-Fi Concept
The Lobster
Least Low-Key Execution of a Batshit Sci-Fi Concept
Midnight Special
Special Achievement in Making Us Miss the Obamas Even More
Southside With You
Most Substantial Drop-Off in Cost of Ticket to See Some Lin-Manuel Miranda Songs
Moana
Notable Achievement in Basically Just Being as Good as Everyone Said
Moonlight
Most Impressive Ability to Sound Almost Frighteningly Like Woody Allen
Jesse Eisenberg, Café Society
Movie That Makes Us All Question the Very Meaning of the Word “Twist”
Split
Most Cruelly Sidelined by the Art of the Meme
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Special Achievement in “Wait, What?”
Collateral Beauty
Most Compelling Design for a Future Amazon Product
The spaceship in Arrival
Special Achievement in Mustachery
Chris Pine, Hell or High Water
Most Intriguing Inclusion of Squash in a Title
My Life as a Zucchini
Most Hilarious View of Los Angeles Traffic
La La Land
Most Problematic Nonexistent Film
Hidden Fences
Most Retroactively Ominous Title
The Purge: Election Year
Most Important Abdominal Muscles
Iggy Pop’s in Gimme Danger
Most Convincing Case That Superheroes Now Officially Outnumber People to Save
(tie)
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Captain America: Civil War
Doctor Strange
Suicide Squad
X-Men: Apocalypse
Most Inevitable, but Really, Come On
(tie)
The Angry Birds Movie
Ouija: Origin of Evil
Trolls
Film That, in Retrospect, Would’ve Been Best if It Starred Melissa McCarthy in the Title Role
Weiner
Obviously, you’re sleepless with anticipation about the winner in all three Oscar categories. Still, these categories have been done.
It’s time we all properly recognized 2016’s most important fuckboy, mustachery and role that should’ve been played by Melissa McCarthy.
This... is your 2017 Alternative Oscar ceremony.
Most Notable Commercial for Google Earth
Lion
Most Notable Commercial for Instagram
Knight of Cups
Sunniest Ensemble of Struggling Actresses With Brand-New Priuses
La La Land
Best Performance as a Glorified Fuckboy
Ryan Gosling, La La Land
Most Awkward Storyline About Killing Kate Moss
Absolutely Fabulous
Best Performance as a High School Teacher Who, Despite Some Concerning Plot Points for a While There, Doesn’t Ever End Up Getting Creepy With a Student
Woody Harrelson, The Edge of Seventeen
Most Convenient Blackouts
Emily Blunt’s in The Girl on the Train
Special Achievement in Making Two Titular Exclamation Points Feel Kind of Acceptable
Everybody Wants Some!!
Most Unexpected Animated Film to Get Caught Up in Weird Trump News
Finding Dory
Lifetime Achievement Award for Snot Glands
Viola Davis’s
Weirdest True Story About Fake News Spiraling Out of Control
Author: The JT LeRoy Story
Most Low-Key Execution of a Batshit Sci-Fi Concept
The Lobster
Least Low-Key Execution of a Batshit Sci-Fi Concept
Midnight Special
Special Achievement in Making Us Miss the Obamas Even More
Southside With You
Most Substantial Drop-Off in Cost of Ticket to See Some Lin-Manuel Miranda Songs
Moana
Notable Achievement in Basically Just Being as Good as Everyone Said
Moonlight
Most Impressive Ability to Sound Almost Frighteningly Like Woody Allen
Jesse Eisenberg, Café Society
Movie That Makes Us All Question the Very Meaning of the Word “Twist”
Split
Most Cruelly Sidelined by the Art of the Meme
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Special Achievement in “Wait, What?”
Collateral Beauty
Most Compelling Design for a Future Amazon Product
The spaceship in Arrival
Special Achievement in Mustachery
Chris Pine, Hell or High Water
Most Intriguing Inclusion of Squash in a Title
My Life as a Zucchini
Most Hilarious View of Los Angeles Traffic
La La Land
Most Problematic Nonexistent Film
Hidden Fences
Most Retroactively Ominous Title
The Purge: Election Year
Most Important Abdominal Muscles
Iggy Pop’s in Gimme Danger
Most Convincing Case That Superheroes Now Officially Outnumber People to Save
(tie)
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Captain America: Civil War
Doctor Strange
Suicide Squad
X-Men: Apocalypse
Most Inevitable, but Really, Come On
(tie)
The Angry Birds Movie
Ouija: Origin of Evil
Trolls
Film That, in Retrospect, Would’ve Been Best if It Starred Melissa McCarthy in the Title Role
Weiner
