Entertainment

And the Award for Best Mustachery Goes To...

These Trophies Won’t Be Handed Out on Oscar Night, but They Should Be

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Best Actress. Best Actor. Best Makeup and Hairstyling.

Obviously, you’re sleepless with anticipation about the winner in all three Oscar categories. Still, these categories have been done.

It’s time we all properly recognized 2016’s most important fuckboy, mustachery and role that should’ve been played by Melissa McCarthy.

This... is your 2017 Alternative Oscar ceremony.

Most Notable Commercial for Google Earth
Lion

Most Notable Commercial for Instagram

Knight of Cups

Sunniest Ensemble of Struggling Actresses With Brand-New Priuses
La La Land

Best Performance as a Glorified Fuckboy

Ryan Gosling, La La Land

Most Awkward Storyline About Killing Kate Moss

Absolutely Fabulous

Best Performance as a High School Teacher Who, Despite Some Concerning Plot Points for a While There, Doesn’t Ever End Up Getting Creepy With a Student

Woody Harrelson, The Edge of Seventeen

Most Convenient Blackouts

Emily Blunt’s in The Girl on the Train

Special Achievement in Making Two Titular Exclamation Points Feel Kind of Acceptable

Everybody Wants Some!!

Most Unexpected Animated Film to Get Caught Up in Weird Trump News

Finding Dory

Lifetime Achievement Award for Snot Glands
Viola Davis’s

Weirdest True Story About Fake News Spiraling Out of Control
Author: The JT LeRoy Story

Most Low-Key Execution of a Batshit Sci-Fi Concept

The Lobster

Least Low-Key Execution of a Batshit Sci-Fi Concept

Midnight Special

Special Achievement in Making Us Miss the Obamas Even More

Southside With You

Most Substantial Drop-Off in Cost of Ticket to See Some Lin-Manuel Miranda Songs

Moana

Notable Achievement in Basically Just Being as Good as Everyone Said

Moonlight

Most Impressive Ability to Sound Almost Frighteningly Like Woody Allen
Jesse Eisenberg, Café Society

Movie That Makes Us All Question the Very Meaning of the Word “Twist”
Split

Most Cruelly Sidelined by the Art of the Meme

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice

Special Achievement in “Wait, What?”

Collateral Beauty

Most Compelling Design for a Future Amazon Product
The spaceship in Arrival

Special Achievement in Mustachery

Chris Pine, Hell or High Water

Most Intriguing Inclusion of Squash in a Title

My Life as a Zucchini

Most Hilarious View of Los Angeles Traffic

La La Land

Most Problematic Nonexistent Film

Hidden Fences

Most Retroactively Ominous Title

The Purge: Election Year

Most Important Abdominal Muscles
Iggy Pop’s in Gimme Danger

Most Convincing Case That Superheroes Now Officially Outnumber People to Save
(tie)
Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice
Captain America: Civil War
Doctor Strange
Suicide Squad
X-Men: Apocalypse


Most Inevitable, but Really, Come On
(tie)
The Angry Birds Movie
Ouija: Origin of Evil
Trolls


Film That, in Retrospect, Would’ve Been Best if It Starred Melissa McCarthy in the Title Role
Weiner

Elsewhere on the Daddy

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