Age of Willow Smith: 15.
Age of Michael Cera: 27.
Age you figured Michael Cera was: 15.
Your feelings that Willow’s new song would be a cruddy earworm because you’re still haunted by “Whip My Hair”: High.
Your feelings that production by a quirky little man from Superbad could alleviate some of the crappiness: Moderate.
Your age when you last appreciated anything resembling the lullaby-like piano intro: This many (as you awkwardly hold up three fingers).
Resemblance to one of those spacey speak-songs that Mazzy Star usually puts on albums that you sometimes skip because you’re trying to mellow out: Close-ish.
First word of the song: Um.
Most repeated word in the song: Um.
Sense that “song” isn’t really the right word: Acute.
Amount of time you’ll listen before wondering what the hell is in the water at the Pinkett-Smith house: Roughly 20 seconds.
Word that best demonstrates how homeschooling is paying off for Willow: Nebulous.
General theme of the song: Society is bullshit.
Who said it better: The Clash, Rage Against the Machine and practically everybody else.
Total length of song: 1 minute 48 seconds.
Your sense of relief that it isn’t longer: Extreme.
Odds that anyone would care about this without Cera’s and Smith’s involvement: Negative 13.
Your anticipation for “Twentyfortyeight 3.0”: Nonexistent.