Entertainment

The Year’s Biggest Movies Are Fast Approaching...

So We Insist You Fill Out These Summer Blockbuster Mad Libs

By Sam Eichner ·
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Explosions.

Zombies.

Sex.

Love.

Superheroes.

Whatever the fuck Transformers are...

There. Now that you’ve read those words, we think you’re officially primed for the coming months’ biggest sequels, prequels, reboots, remakes, Captain Americas and Republican National Conventions.

But just to make sure, we ask that you fill out these Summer Blockbuster Mad Libs...

They’re fun. We promise.

The [name of some movie you saw this time two or three years ago]: [number between 2 and, like, 1,000]

The year is 20[number between 50 and 99]. Unbeknownst to those outside [US time zone], the world is being increasingly overrun by [human body part]-eating [aliens, zombies, sea creatures, insects, Donald Trumps, group of supervillains—whatever, just pick one] from [name of second-tier American city].

Meanwhile, in [name of Northeastern state], 18-year-old [very common first name] [catchy yet eclectic last name]—thin, clever, gratingly charming, with the good looks of a twentysomething leading man but the mien of a middle school misfit—is fumbling with his [article of clothing] in front of his bedroom mirror. It’s 7pm. His [category of member of Congress] calls him from downstairs: [first name of 18-year-old] is running late for his senior prom.

[First name of 18-year-old] rushes out to his beat-up [type of car from the ’80s], gets in and speeds away. He turns on the radio, absentmindedly skipping around for music. To his surprise, every radio station carries news of the [human body part]-eating [aliens, zombies, sea creatures, insects, Donald Trumps, group of supervillains—whatever, just pick one] tearing their way through [name of interstate in Pittsburgh] and destroying everything in their path.

[First name of 18-year-old] arrives at his prom and parks. He strides into the [room in a school], in search of [name you’d ascribe to a gorgeous, porcelain-skinned white girl, like Mikaela or Claire, to indicate she’s kind of cool, not just hot]: she’s the most popular girl at school.

Just then, the [aliens, zombies, sea creatures, insects, Donald Trumps, group of supervillains—whatever, just pick one] break through the doors. Outside, [type of house pet, plural] spontaneously combust. The explosions reverberate throughout the school, as a panicked [first name of 18-year-old] desperately scans the [room in a school] for [Mikaela or Claire or something].

Finally, he spies her [female body part] in the corner of his eye. She’s standing, paralyzed with fear, near the punch table, mystifyingly untouched by the shitstorm of sheer horror bombarding her from all sides. How beautiful she looks, he thinks, dressed in her best [popular elementary school Halloween costume].

From afar, he watches a(n) [alien, zombie, sea creature, insect, Donald Trump, group of supervillains—whatever, just pick one] come up behind her. It’s about to perform [song title from Hamilton], when [first name of 18-year-old] swoops in and steals her away.

The pair sprint, hand in hand, out into the congested streets bordering [a man-made body of water]. The [proper noun, plural] are crumbling, the people [gerund]. [First name of 18-year-old] rips off his tuxedo and reveals himself as [name of dietary restriction]-man. [Mikaela or Casey or something] stares at him, aghast.

[Name of dietary restriction]-man uses his superhuman [name of common upper-middle-class anxiety disorder] to outwit the [aliens, zombies, sea creatures, insects, Donald Trumps, group of supervillains—whatever, just pick one]. More explosions explode; destruction is total. Still, within the space of this one crazy [minuscule duration of time], order has been restored. “Let’s get [hyper-specific name of small-batch artisanal coffee beans, plural],” [first name of 18-year-old] says.

Cut to: the [type of car from the ’80s] perched atop a seaside promontory, a fecund, burnt-orange sun dipping slowly below the horizon.

“It’s all over now,” [first name of 18-year-old] whispers to [Mikaela or Claire or something]. They kiss; then, they make [name of decadent European dessert pastry].

The closing shot is of a drop of [brand of esoteric French digestif] left from one of the [aliens, zombies, sea creatures, insects, Donald Trumps, group of supervillains—whatever, just pick one] on the backseat of the car.

To be continued summer 20[number between 17 and 20]...

Sam Eichner likes literature, reality television and his twin cats equally. He has consistently been told he needs a shave since he started growing facial hair.

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