Entertainment

We’re Giving Out Oscars for the Oscars

These Moments from the 2016 Ceremony Definitely Deserve Recognition

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You might have thought last night’s surfeit of Oscar accolades fully recognized the outstanding contributions that filmmakers have made to our lives.

We respectfully disagree.

We think there were many performances, roles and strange neckwear that are still in need of a little recognition. The ones that actually occurred last night.

Ladies and gentlemen, we present the Oscars for the Oscars, a celebration of the achievements Hollywood achieved while celebrating its achievements.

And the awards go to...

Most Desperately Deployed Black Revolutionary Anthem: “Fight the Power”

Least Expressive Face for Someone Who’s Supposed to Be the Greatest Actor: Leo DiCaprio

Best Supporting Mom: Leo’s

People You’re Most Likely to Assume Worked on Mad Max: Fury Road, Purely Based on Physical Appearance: People Who Worked on Mad Max: Fury Road

Most Ill-Advised Attempt to Not Just Wear a Tie Like Everyone Else’s: Jared Leto

Most Glaring In Memoriam Omission: Abe Freaking Vigoda

Most Glaring Omission of an Openly Gay Person by an Openly Gay Oscar Winner: Sam Smith for Dustin Lance Black, Elton John, Melissa Etheridge, Linda Hunt and Stephen Sondheim

Special Achievement in Leading a Standing Ovation: Louis Gossett Jr.

Best Reminder That We’re All Old: Tie: Toy Story Celebrates Its 20th Anniversary; Dave Grohl Performs the In Memoriam Song

Best Skit Cameo That Made Us Want to See That Person Get Back into Acting and Stop Wasting Her Time with the Talk Show Gig: Whoopi Goldberg

Most Kevin Hart Jokes: Chris Rock

Most Predictable Actor Clip: Mark Ruffalo’s Big Blowup in Spotlight

Achievement in Not Reacting When His First Name Was Called but Not His Whole Name: Mark Ruffalo Losing to Mark Rylander for Best Supporting Actor

Best Name Drop: Joe Biden, “My friend, Lady Gaga.”

Most Louis C.K. Presenter: Louis C.K.

Least Discussed Topic: Filmmaking

Achievement in Outlasting the Orchestra: Alejandro González Iñárritu

Achievement in Poorly Timing the Important Part of Your Speech: Jenny Beavan, “I just want to say one quite serious thing, I’ve been thinking about this a lot...” [cue music]

Most Likely to Turn Down Role to Present “Short Film”: Kevin Hart

Presenter with Least Amount of Lines: Olivia Wilde

Biggest Show Stealer: Olivia Wilde’s Dress

Actor You Most Don’t Want to Be Seen Presenting Next to if You Want People to Notice You: Charlize Theron

Achievement in Waiting to Pull Out That Inevitable Trump Joke: Andy Serkis, 1:25 Minutes

Achievement in False Humility: Joe Biden, “I’m the least qualified here.”

Special Achievement in Merkin Jokes: Jared Leto

Special Appearance by a White Bow Tie: Kate Capshaw

Standout Achievement in Really Bad Accountant Jokes: Ming Zhu, Bao Ling and David Moskowitz

Best Mugger: Bryan Cranston

Most Promising Audition for Next Year’s Oscars: Olivia Munn

Elsewhere on the Daddy

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