[Name of a white person. Any white person]: Wow.
[Name of a white person. Any white person]: Whew. Wow. First of all, I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank my lovely [piece of esoteric financial jargon from The Big Short you never comprehended because Margot Robbie was in a bathtub explaining it]. And I’d like to thank my fellow nominees. You were all [adjective]. It is my privilege to have been nominated alongside you. Thank you, thank you.
Raises trophy triumphantly in the air as the theater erupts in applause. Camera pans to [name of any actor with self-serious facial hair], before cutting to [name of your last sexual partner], who looks on proudly with pursed lips.
[Name of a white person. Any white person]: I should not be here. But I stand on this stage tonight because of John [surname ending in -man] from [name of a fast-casual food chain], my wonderful agent Brian [surname ending in -son] from [name of small-town school district outside of Indianapolis] and Harvey Weinstein.
Cut to [name rhyming with Prad Bitt] whispering nonchalantly to his wife, [name rhyming with Rangelina Molie].
[Name of a white person. Any white person]: This film was about [general noun for something significant-sounding]. It was about the strength of the human spirit. Most importantly, it was about [name of activity you quit after, like, one year in elementary school]. This was the [type of animal from The Revenant]’s vision. Thank you for taking me on this [adjective], [adjective] journey. I share this award with you.
Cut to [type of animal from The Revenant], which smiles and places its hand affectionately on its heart. The orchestra begins to play.
[Name of a white person. Any white person]: I know I’m going to forget some people, but I especially want to thank [name of person upon whom one of the Best Picture nominees is based]—can’t forget about him! I want to thank [titles from the Rocky saga, in nonsequential order], and last but not least, I’d like to thank [name of oddly specific Hindu deity]. I am truly, truly blessed.
[Name of a white person. Any white person] pumps trophy in the air one last time and is escorted offstage by the ushers.
As the orchestral music swells, the [type of animal from The Revenant] casually eats Eddie Redmayne.
Fade to commercial.