You’ll Want to Fill These Out Before the Oscars

May We Present Your Oscar Speech Mad Libs

Anyone can fill out an Oscar ballot. Anyone can write an Oscar speech. But it takes a special someone to fill out an Oscar Mad Libs. We have a feeling you are that someone.

[Name of a white person. Any white person]: Wow.


[Name of a white person. Any white person]: Whew. Wow. First of all, I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank my lovely [piece of esoteric financial jargon from The Big Short you never comprehended because Margot Robbie was in a bathtub explaining it]. And I’d like to thank my fellow nominees. You were all [adjective]. It is my privilege to have been nominated alongside you. Thank you, thank you.

Raises trophy triumphantly in the air as the theater erupts in applause. Camera pans to [name of any actor with self-serious facial hair], before cutting to [name of your last sexual partner], who looks on proudly with pursed lips.

[Name of a white person. Any white person]: I should not be here. But I stand on this stage tonight because of John [surname ending in -man] from [name of a fast-casual food chain], my wonderful agent Brian [surname ending in -son] from [name of small-town school district outside of Indianapolis] and Harvey Weinstein.

Cut to [name rhyming with Prad Bitt] whispering nonchalantly to his wife, [name rhyming with Rangelina Molie].

[Name of a white person. Any white person]: This film was about [general noun for something significant-sounding]. It was about the strength of the human spirit. Most importantly, it was about [name of activity you quit after, like, one year in elementary school]. This was the [type of animal from The Revenant]’s vision. Thank you for taking me on this [adjective], [adjective] journey. I share this award with you.

Cut to [type of animal from The Revenant], which smiles and places its hand affectionately on its heart. The orchestra begins to play.

[Name of a white person. Any white person]: I know I’m going to forget some people, but I especially want to thank [name of person upon whom one of the Best Picture nominees is based]—can’t forget about him! I want to thank [titles from the Rocky saga, in nonsequential order], and last but not least, I’d like to thank [name of oddly specific Hindu deity]. I am truly, truly blessed.

[Name of a white person. Any white person] pumps trophy in the air one last time and is escorted offstage by the ushers.

As the orchestral music swells, the [type of animal from The Revenant] casually eats Eddie Redmayne.

Fade to commercial.

Elsewhere on the Daddy

More Entertainment