Which is to say that we at UD prefer more quantitative measures to assess the loyalty of our significant others. That's why we hit up Detective International in the village to round up the latest in infidelity detection devices. Below, a list of the essentials:
Device: Hollowed-out Beer Can
Description: Though not as refreshing as its liquid counterpart, this faux beer can equipped with video recorder is the perfect way to see if she's toeing the line. Best of all, unlike a faux copy of War and Peace, your woman won't suspect a thing.
Device: Checkmate 5 Minute Infidelity Test Kit
Description: Much like a car, someone can break into your woman in less than a minute. In just four additional minutes, this infidelity kit lets you scour the linen, carpet, kitchen, and other spots for "foreign" stains. Let's just hope she's not a "shower only" kind of girl.
Device: GPS Tracking Device
Description: Lately your car has been clocking in some extra, unaccounted-for miles. Put this GPS device in the trunk, log onto the Internet, and find out if she truly has been visiting her "Great Aunt Gladys."
Device: Telephone Voice Disguiser and Scrambler
Description: Though asking for Oliver Klozoff never gets old, this voice disguiser takes the art of prank calling to a whole new level by scrambling your voice to unrecognizable levels, so you can see just who else has been on her receiving end.
Device: Staff Polygrapher
Description: If all else fails, the store has an on-site polygrapher to help you discern fact from fiction. But if your relationship has reached this stage, the only real fact worth knowing might be that it's time to put yourself back on the market.