Food & Drink

Doritos Has Finally Made A Chip For My Dainty Lady Mouth

Chips! For Her!

By Kady Ruth Ashcraft ·
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Ladies, yesterday the men got to watch the big ball game and we slaved away in the kitchen making them perfectly crisp and cheesy nachos. But we couldn’t even enjoy them because our tiny delicate lady mouths can’t handle the sinister crunch of a chip. Well today is a new day. Doritos heard our cries and have released a snack just for us. They’ve released a “lady friendly” chip that is “quieter to eat and a lot less messy.”

Let me be the first to whisper, THANK GOD! I hated those embarrassing moments when people (aka MEN) could tell I was eating or had just eaten something. This way I don’t have to run to the ladies’ loo, turn all the sinks on, and bite into a noisy chip whilst flushing the toilet. I can just silently slip one into my mouth while giggling at my large husband’s VIDEO GAME FAIL COMPILATION videos. It used to be that I’d burn my fingertips off should any sort of flavor residue sully them. But now with this new development in chip technology, I don’t have to any longer! That also means I can start using the touch-to-open feature on my phone. Doritos aren’t just saving my marriage and reputation, they’re saving me time! For that I will give them my first born child.

How did Doritos learn that women hate noise and mess? Well first of all, go to your closest construction site. See any ladies? Exactly. Secondly, PepsiCo (the grandaddy company of Doritos) has found that women do not like to “crunch loudly or lick their fingers when eating in front of others.” I can only assume this research was conducted in the Bic Pen For Her Laboratory, which I cannot enter because you must wear closed toed shoes and I am always in kitten heels showing off my pedicure. Sad. Just kidding. I am happy, as all women always are.

The new bags also fit nicely into a woman’s handbag, which is a game changer as well. Ever since we were given those government mandated identically sized purses, I’ve had a very hard time deciding what should go in it. I could no longer shove the giant pillow I’d pull out and scream into daily in there. So the extra room was making my anxious. Anxiety gives me stress lines and stress lines are fineable by law. I’m grateful to Doritos for thinking about WomenTM  in their snack making process. It's nice to just be remembered every once in awhile. 

Kady Ruth Ashcraft is a writer, comedian, filmmaker, and Amtrak Princess. Follow her on twitter @kadyrabbit and tweet her pictures of your pets.

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